<sigh>
Despite talking to Kid1 about his lack of motivation to do anything, he's no more motivated to do anything today than any other day.
Anything we've done has been purely at my suggestion.
Last night we went out to Fortissimo on Parliament Hill. Tonight is the last night, and if you're not already there, I'm afraid you will have missed it. Fantastic show. Variety of bands, Peace Tower bells, Artillery, Ceremonial Guard. Great fun! At least on par with the Musical Ride as local free entertainment goes.
Today, we went to the park for an hour. I was overly annoyed by the neighbourhood child who insisted that he be allowed to play with Kid1's remote control car more than Kid1 himself. Patience, Zed... Patience... We baked a cake! It is delicious. Lemon cake with chocolate frosting. Yum.
I've been trying hard to limit screen time, with limited success. I'm sure there is tonnes of stuff going on around town, but it's hard to do that stuff with such a limited budget. Really working hard to manage the little bit of money I have. It's hard though.
It's as much, or more, my fault as it is his. I'm still not really sleeping well, which means I don't have a lot of energy on the best of days, but I really need to find a way to get my kids to want to go play at the park. Throw the frisbee for more than 10 minutes. Do something for more than 10 minutes.
The day wasn't a total loss I guess, but it could have been much better. Here's hoping for energy and excitement for tomorrow.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Summer in the City
So, here's the thing.
I'm not working right now. I'd love to be working, but I want to take my time to get a bit better first. I've got a hospital day program coming up at the end of the summer, and after that, WORK.
Anyway, the fact that I'm not working gives me the opportunity to spend lots of time with my kids. This is great, right? Of course it is. I love my kids. We enjoy our time together. It's nice having them around. But (you knew that was coming, didn't you?) ... they ... don't seem to be much more motivated to get out and do things than I am. I was really, really, really!!! hoping that having the kids around for the summer would force me to get out of the house more. I really thought that they'd be bugging me like crazy to go and do stuff. "Daddy, let's go to the park!" "Daddy, let's go to the pool!" "Daddy, let's go for a walk!" "Daddy, let's go throw the frisbee around!" I could go on all day, but I won't. They don't bug me for any of that. Nothing!
Kid1 is a great kid, he likes to swim, he likes the outdoors like I do, but he's not at all motivated to go anywhere or do anything. <sigh> He came over this week on Wednesday. I was crazy excited to see him. He'd been away at Cadet camp in Bagotville for two weeks. He's home, and he seems exhausted.
So, as I'm prone to do. As seems kinda natural for me, we've spent a day or so chillin' around the house.
Funny thing, I went out last night when he was nearly ready for bed. I'm so enjoying getting out with some Twitter folks I've followed for a long time. #thurspintsw is always a good time with likeminded people and the conversation is always great.
Today, again, and again. "Do you wanna do something?" ---- "Nah."... <sigh> "Wanna go play frisbee?" --- "Meh!"... argh.
The updates I've received regarding Kid2's camping trip in Bon Echo have been same kind of thing. Pictures of him in the woods, sitting down reading a book. Now, don't get me wrong here, I absolutely LOVE that he's a little bookworm. Nothing bad has ever come from someone reading a book (well, who knows really, but I would think many more good things have come from reading books). They have to take his book away and hide it to get him to play.
It's hard for me sometimes. I see so much of myself in my kids. The good and the bad. They are incredibly kind. They have true feelings for others. I think either one of them would jump in front of a bullet for someone they cared about, or give the shirt off their back to a complete stranger. That's just who they are.
But (oh crap, there's another one) I also sometimes see that lack of motivation in them. Given my problems with motivation, it's a bad mix. As kind and gentle as they are, they also seem to have unreasonable expectations of others. This often manifests itself as apparent meanness. Like myself, I don't think it's meant in a malicious way, but purely out of frustration from within.
So. Having my kids for the summer? Blessing or Curse? BOTH! They are both of the age now, 13 and 8, where I feel like I can sit down and talk to them like rational human beings. I had a really good talk with Kid2 a few weeks ago, and it really felt like he heard my words. This is a totally new experience for me. I've always felt like people don't really hear me when I speak.
Blessing. Yes. Seeing myself so clearly in them makes me realize that I need to make changes, and I can't wait any longer to make them. I need to lead by example. I need to be motivated, I need to want to do things. I need to show them how great life can be when you're up and about and doing things. I don't want them to end up 41 years old like I am and starting from scratch in life because they didn't realize in time that things weren't going right. I want them to know the value of being social and the blessings that come from others.
Curse. Absolutely. My lack of motivation, still often overpowering, is still a massive problem for me, and having kids that don't seem to want to do much aside from watching YouTube videos and reading books doesn't help. I am doing better every week though. I have definitely spent more time at home with the kids than I thought I would have when the summer started. I don't like to think of myself as a lazy dad, but maybe I am. Instead of forcing them outside of their comfort zone, because of my own problems, I too often let them engage in their interests to excess (which makes it hard for my co-parenting partners when they go back home).
So, what was the point of this whole thing? I've been doing so much better at getting out of my comfort zone. I volunteered to be in a movie with people I'd never met. I went out to a social gathering to see people I'd never met aside from online. I've made real connections with real people and it feels GREAT! I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time. I feel incredibly lonely when I come home to my empty apartment and that feels GREAT! Wait, what? Lonely feels great? Yeah, it does, and here's why. It's finally donning on me, for the first time in a long time, that life is better with people in it! I'm so enjoying being around people, which is an experience I haven't felt in a while.
Alright Zed, tie it all together now.
Okay. So. Now that I'm reconnecting with the world, I feel like the next month is gonna be super important. I'm now in a place where I'm starting to understand myself, I'm starting to learn to be happy again. It's a slow process, but I'm definitely on the right road. Now I need to share what I'm learning with my kids. I always thought I was a pretty good dad. I love my kids in a way I never knew I could love anything. But now, it's different. I love my kids so much, that I feel this never ending need to tell them all the things I'm learning about myself, and share with them how important it is to get out of your comfort zone. Go new places. Try new things. Crazy? Who cares. Go. Maybe you'll make an ass of yourself, maybe you won't, but either way, you'll have an experience that you won't have sitting home alone staring at a computer or a TV, or with your nose in a book. There are times for those things, but make time for the rest of the world, there is some incredible stuff and some really incredible people out there if you give them the chance!
F#$K DEPRESSION!
I'm not working right now. I'd love to be working, but I want to take my time to get a bit better first. I've got a hospital day program coming up at the end of the summer, and after that, WORK.
Anyway, the fact that I'm not working gives me the opportunity to spend lots of time with my kids. This is great, right? Of course it is. I love my kids. We enjoy our time together. It's nice having them around. But (you knew that was coming, didn't you?) ... they ... don't seem to be much more motivated to get out and do things than I am. I was really, really, really!!! hoping that having the kids around for the summer would force me to get out of the house more. I really thought that they'd be bugging me like crazy to go and do stuff. "Daddy, let's go to the park!" "Daddy, let's go to the pool!" "Daddy, let's go for a walk!" "Daddy, let's go throw the frisbee around!" I could go on all day, but I won't. They don't bug me for any of that. Nothing!
Kid1 is a great kid, he likes to swim, he likes the outdoors like I do, but he's not at all motivated to go anywhere or do anything. <sigh> He came over this week on Wednesday. I was crazy excited to see him. He'd been away at Cadet camp in Bagotville for two weeks. He's home, and he seems exhausted.
So, as I'm prone to do. As seems kinda natural for me, we've spent a day or so chillin' around the house.
Funny thing, I went out last night when he was nearly ready for bed. I'm so enjoying getting out with some Twitter folks I've followed for a long time. #thurspintsw is always a good time with likeminded people and the conversation is always great.
Today, again, and again. "Do you wanna do something?" ---- "Nah."... <sigh> "Wanna go play frisbee?" --- "Meh!"... argh.
The updates I've received regarding Kid2's camping trip in Bon Echo have been same kind of thing. Pictures of him in the woods, sitting down reading a book. Now, don't get me wrong here, I absolutely LOVE that he's a little bookworm. Nothing bad has ever come from someone reading a book (well, who knows really, but I would think many more good things have come from reading books). They have to take his book away and hide it to get him to play.
It's hard for me sometimes. I see so much of myself in my kids. The good and the bad. They are incredibly kind. They have true feelings for others. I think either one of them would jump in front of a bullet for someone they cared about, or give the shirt off their back to a complete stranger. That's just who they are.
But (oh crap, there's another one) I also sometimes see that lack of motivation in them. Given my problems with motivation, it's a bad mix. As kind and gentle as they are, they also seem to have unreasonable expectations of others. This often manifests itself as apparent meanness. Like myself, I don't think it's meant in a malicious way, but purely out of frustration from within.
So. Having my kids for the summer? Blessing or Curse? BOTH! They are both of the age now, 13 and 8, where I feel like I can sit down and talk to them like rational human beings. I had a really good talk with Kid2 a few weeks ago, and it really felt like he heard my words. This is a totally new experience for me. I've always felt like people don't really hear me when I speak.
Blessing. Yes. Seeing myself so clearly in them makes me realize that I need to make changes, and I can't wait any longer to make them. I need to lead by example. I need to be motivated, I need to want to do things. I need to show them how great life can be when you're up and about and doing things. I don't want them to end up 41 years old like I am and starting from scratch in life because they didn't realize in time that things weren't going right. I want them to know the value of being social and the blessings that come from others.
Curse. Absolutely. My lack of motivation, still often overpowering, is still a massive problem for me, and having kids that don't seem to want to do much aside from watching YouTube videos and reading books doesn't help. I am doing better every week though. I have definitely spent more time at home with the kids than I thought I would have when the summer started. I don't like to think of myself as a lazy dad, but maybe I am. Instead of forcing them outside of their comfort zone, because of my own problems, I too often let them engage in their interests to excess (which makes it hard for my co-parenting partners when they go back home).
So, what was the point of this whole thing? I've been doing so much better at getting out of my comfort zone. I volunteered to be in a movie with people I'd never met. I went out to a social gathering to see people I'd never met aside from online. I've made real connections with real people and it feels GREAT! I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time. I feel incredibly lonely when I come home to my empty apartment and that feels GREAT! Wait, what? Lonely feels great? Yeah, it does, and here's why. It's finally donning on me, for the first time in a long time, that life is better with people in it! I'm so enjoying being around people, which is an experience I haven't felt in a while.
Alright Zed, tie it all together now.
Okay. So. Now that I'm reconnecting with the world, I feel like the next month is gonna be super important. I'm now in a place where I'm starting to understand myself, I'm starting to learn to be happy again. It's a slow process, but I'm definitely on the right road. Now I need to share what I'm learning with my kids. I always thought I was a pretty good dad. I love my kids in a way I never knew I could love anything. But now, it's different. I love my kids so much, that I feel this never ending need to tell them all the things I'm learning about myself, and share with them how important it is to get out of your comfort zone. Go new places. Try new things. Crazy? Who cares. Go. Maybe you'll make an ass of yourself, maybe you won't, but either way, you'll have an experience that you won't have sitting home alone staring at a computer or a TV, or with your nose in a book. There are times for those things, but make time for the rest of the world, there is some incredible stuff and some really incredible people out there if you give them the chance!
F#$K DEPRESSION!
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