Understanding

I don't know why. I can't explain it. I want people to understand. I need people to understand.

I don't write particularly eloquently. When I write, I write what I feel. The raw emotions. I don't use a large vocabulary. No one will ever compare me with William Shakespeare. I'll never win an award. I won't get millions of page views. I write for me. My style is for me.

My feelings are what drives me to write and to share. I will write. I will share. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Here are some of my feelings today.

I feel alone.

I feel abandoned.

I feel sick.

I need you to understand me. 

I need you to accept me. 

I need to accept myself. 

I accept you.

I am not depressed by choice. If I could choose to not be depressed, of course I would make that choice.

I don't choose to sit in my apartment alone all day. Sometimes I just don't have it in my to get up and go out. If I had one wish, it would be that people would call me and ask me how I'm doing. I'm working hard on building a social network, something that is so incredibly hard for me. The people I've connected with are incredible people. I just wish I had the power to make some things move faster.

One of the most debilitating things about my depression is the fear and the awkwardness. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that it takes all I have to say anything.

It's a real double edged sword. I am terrible at initiating anything. I'm not a good planner. I want more than anything to be out and doing things with the people I've connected with. The people I've connected with have lives of their own, and problems of their own. I understand. I just need to find someone else who has a need as well. For a friend. No more. No less. I need someone who's stronger than me to reach out a hand of friendship to me.

I sound so pathetic. I sound like a total loser. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? I have no job. I have no money. I have nothing.

Wait a second. Some of that might be true. But so what?

I am jobless.

I am poor.

I am depressed.

I can change all of those.

I am emotional.

I am needy.

I am kind.

I am sympathetic.

I am a good listener.

I am fun. 

I care.

I wouldn't want to change any of those.

I have so much to offer.

I don't choose to alienate people. I don't choose to sometimes feel too strongly. It's just who I am.

There are things that I can change, and there are things that I can't change. I am okay with that. I am a better man than I was a year ago. I am a better man than I was yesterday.  I will be a better man tomorrow.

It won't happen all at once. I won't be the man I need to be tomorrow, or the next day, or even next year maybe, but I'll get there. One day at a time. One step at a time. One inch at a time.

Take a chance on me. You might regret it... or you might not.

Peace and love!

#FUCKDEPRESSION

RIP Robin Williams

I've been struggling since I heard the news. I was despondent for a while. I was in a dark place.

Such a brilliant mind. I know that he had his issues throughout his life. I know now, too late, that the fight became too much for him.

I really don't understand at my core what could make someone think that fighting isn't possible anymore. I guess at 63 years of age, Robin Williams couldn't fight anymore.

The first thoughts that went through my mind were simple. If someone who's that successful, someone who can so effortlessly make people around him laugh, or cry. Someone who can reach down from that silver screen and touch your soul. If he can't find the strength to fight, what chance do I have?

It was hard to feel that. It was scary. REALLY scary. I don't know that I've ever felt such an immediate and intense fear.

Reading through the tweets and the Facebook posts was making it worse. I turned off the computer, I closed the iPad. I gave my son a hug and we went for a walk. Not a long walk. Just a walk. To get me away from the things that were getting me down and bring me back to the things that lift me up. We stopped at the convenience store where I splurged for a caffeine and sugar fix. Coca-Cola, I love you! We walked. We talked. I think he could tell that something was bothering me, but I didn't talk to him about Robin. I just listened. He talked and talked. I'm not sure I heard everything he said, things were going through my mind so quick, but his voice is so relaxing and calming.

I don't think the world has ever seen an actor with the range of Robin Williams. I'm not sure we ever will again. From comedy to drama, his career ran the gamut. Good Morning Vietnam. Aladdin. Good Will Hunting. Dead Poets Society. Patch Adams. Hook. Jumanji. The list goes on and on. He made me laugh. He made me cry. His performances were such an integral part of my life. Mork and Mindy started on TV when I was 5 years old. I have known Robin Williams for most of my life. I will miss him. Thank goodness he left us so many great performances to enjoy in his absence. I don't think I'll ever be able to see those performances the same way again though. Throughout the evening, it has struck me that in all of the photos that I have seen, whether he be smiling or not, in the clips from Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society and even Good Morning Vietnam, that there is a mask that he is wearing. The mask I recognize so well. I see it every time I look in a mirror. Maybe I am playing some sort of transference thing. I don't know for sure. All I know for sure is that his death has hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I feel incredibly empowered by my newly found understanding of myself. I'm also incredibly afraid of it. Throughout the last year, I feel like my heart, my feelings, my brain are like a live wire. So raw. So open. So vulnerable. I feel things now in a way that I never felt them before. Everything I feel seems amplified by a power of magnitude. The scariest part of it all is that while I am feeling all these things in such an exciting new way, I have not yet mastered the skills required to control them all. I am learning, and almost every day I feel stronger and better.

My thoughts are with Robin's family and friends. I didn't know him, aside from his performances. I wish I could have. I know these must be amongst the most difficult times his family has faced. I hope and pray that they might know that Robin is finally at peace. That his demons can haunt him no longer.

Finally, like I said the other day. If you are suffering, or if you know someone who is suffering. Reach out! Ask for help! Do not think you have to do this alone. You don't! I am here. Your family and friends are there. If you think you don't have any friends. You do. I am your friend. I will be your friend. You are not alone!

Thank you Robin! Thank you for being you. I'm saddened that you couldn't find peace on this earth with us. I hope that you are finally at peace. I hope that some day we will meet, and I can tell you how much you meant to me, and how much I have missed you since you left.

Peace and love to all. Hug your family. Hug your friends. Tell them how you feel about them. Tell them if you're happy. Tell them if you're sad. Shout from the rooftops. Scream at the top of your lungs! Make yourself heard! Make sure they know! Don't wait! DO IT NOW!