Understanding

I don't know why. I can't explain it. I want people to understand. I need people to understand.

I don't write particularly eloquently. When I write, I write what I feel. The raw emotions. I don't use a large vocabulary. No one will ever compare me with William Shakespeare. I'll never win an award. I won't get millions of page views. I write for me. My style is for me.

My feelings are what drives me to write and to share. I will write. I will share. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Here are some of my feelings today.

I feel alone.

I feel abandoned.

I feel sick.

I need you to understand me. 

I need you to accept me. 

I need to accept myself. 

I accept you.

I am not depressed by choice. If I could choose to not be depressed, of course I would make that choice.

I don't choose to sit in my apartment alone all day. Sometimes I just don't have it in my to get up and go out. If I had one wish, it would be that people would call me and ask me how I'm doing. I'm working hard on building a social network, something that is so incredibly hard for me. The people I've connected with are incredible people. I just wish I had the power to make some things move faster.

One of the most debilitating things about my depression is the fear and the awkwardness. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that it takes all I have to say anything.

It's a real double edged sword. I am terrible at initiating anything. I'm not a good planner. I want more than anything to be out and doing things with the people I've connected with. The people I've connected with have lives of their own, and problems of their own. I understand. I just need to find someone else who has a need as well. For a friend. No more. No less. I need someone who's stronger than me to reach out a hand of friendship to me.

I sound so pathetic. I sound like a total loser. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? I have no job. I have no money. I have nothing.

Wait a second. Some of that might be true. But so what?

I am jobless.

I am poor.

I am depressed.

I can change all of those.

I am emotional.

I am needy.

I am kind.

I am sympathetic.

I am a good listener.

I am fun. 

I care.

I wouldn't want to change any of those.

I have so much to offer.

I don't choose to alienate people. I don't choose to sometimes feel too strongly. It's just who I am.

There are things that I can change, and there are things that I can't change. I am okay with that. I am a better man than I was a year ago. I am a better man than I was yesterday.  I will be a better man tomorrow.

It won't happen all at once. I won't be the man I need to be tomorrow, or the next day, or even next year maybe, but I'll get there. One day at a time. One step at a time. One inch at a time.

Take a chance on me. You might regret it... or you might not.

Peace and love!

#FUCKDEPRESSION