The Week Ends

It's been a tough couple of days.

Things were going pretty good. Had the kids, we were even managing to get out and do stuff. Kids even managed to get along ALL week. I don't think they got snotty with each other at all. Managed to keep them away from electronics for a good part of the week. Kitty is super snuggly.

Wednesday was the best day I had this week. Good therapy session in the morning. Hung out with the boys. Went to the beach. Went to the Casino Fireworks. Great day.

I always take a bit of a dip when my kids go back to their other homes. This week was one of the worse weeks for that. I don't know if it's my money woes, or difficulty communicating with exes, or what, but I hit HARD.

One of the highlights of my week for the past couple of months has been #thurspintsw. I didn't go. I had no energy and no motivation to do anything.

Friday was no better. Never even left the house. Did manage to get caught up on some TV though, so it wasn't a total loss. (Note: If you're not watching Rizzoli and Isles, you are missing out!) Made a couple of calls to the bank to deal with the car situation. Think that is going to work itself out over the next couple of months. Made a couple of other calls to straighten out a couple of other misunderstandings. Finally, Friday ended pretty well.

Weekends are my most dreaded time of late. Don't generally have my boys for the weekends these days. They come during the week and then go home for the weekend. Got lucky last weekend with Karaoke. Have a birthday party to go to tonight. Aside from that. I don't have much to do.

I don't want to say I'm bored. I am, but I'm not. Having this time with nothing to do gives me lots of time to ponder life and it's sometimes very therapeutic. Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming. Sometimes the gears get going and it's hard to get them stopped. It's all part of life I think, but it can be frustrating.

I am hoping to followup on my previous post in the next few days but I think it will take some time to get my thoughts together for that.

If you are suffering, or have suffered, I'd love to hear from you about your experience if you're willing to share. Drop me an e-mail or get in touch through any of my social channels.

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A Story About Depression

So I've told you all kinds of stories about my depression. How it effects me. A little about how it effects others around me. Even how it makes me feel. What I haven't really tried to do, until now, is tried to explain how depression actually feels. What is the experience like. I'm not sure I'm gonna do it total justice, but I'm gonna try.

When I first started therapy a few months ago, we talked about me, and we talked about my depression.

Wait a minute? What? How can you talk about them separately?

I was a little confused at first.

We were talking about depression like it was something you could get rid of... that didn't seem right...

It seemed like a wildly strange concept to me.

We decided to split my personality into two parts. One was the Ed I want to be. The other was my depression, that I kind of wanted to go away. We decided we'd call him 'Asshole'. Inspired by what my ex-wife always called me, and still does, when I start acting like, well... an asshole.

One of the early weeks, we did a two chairs exercise. In one chair, Ed. In the other, Asshole. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was that day that I truly realized that I will never win my battle with depression. My depression is part of me now, and it's never leaving. It has an important role to play in my life and experiences. The trick will be minimizing the role it plays. Controlling it. Controlling the tendencies that come with it.

My depression came from place where I felt like I needed to protect myself. It is a defence mechanism. Asshole, as I like to call him, is Ed's defender.

Ed is an interesting fellow. Kind, warm, thoughtful, caring, empathetic. He's also incredibly sensitive. He's a great listener, he loves to help, he would give his last nickel to help a friend. He would jump in front of a bullet for a friend. He would walk over hot lava for a friend.

Asshole, on the other hand, is an interesting fellow, but in a different way. He's sarcastic, he's condescending, he can be downright mean. He's easily brought out when Ed feels attacked. When Ed is confused. When Ed is frustrated. When Ed is annoyed. It doesn't take much. Asshole is also a little bit paranoid. Asshole isn't all bad though. When Ed is being legitimately mistreated, Asshole has a role to play. Sometimes, nice doesn't get you where you need to go. Sometimes, one needs to be an Asshole. Those times are rare though, and for a long time, it was all Asshole all the time.

When I first arrived at therapy, one of the first questions was, how much of you is defined as Asshole vs Ed. The answer was 90% Asshole / 10% Ed. The depression was in total control. It was bad. 90% of what came out of me was the bad stuff. It wasn't where I wanted to be.

We've been working on that ever since. Not to eliminate Asshole. I can't and wouldn't want to. He's important. Sometimes, Ed needs the protection. Sometimes, Ed needs to fight back. But there needs to be balance. Ed really needs to be in charge the most. Asshole needs to follow orders.

So what's it like living with depression? It's a fight. It's like going round after round after round with Mike Tyson. It's constant. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. It's exhausting. It's two parts of the same person constantly at war with each other for dominance. I guess it feels to me a little bit like having multiple personalities. Depression is a powerful thing, it almost has a mind of it's own and it's a constant battle to keep it at bay.

I described it to my therapist the other day as living your life like you are on an Oscar style tape delay. Ed is constantly trying keep to keep Asshole in check. Ed is often quiet at social events because he's 30 seconds behind everybody else. Ed is always sitting with his hand on the censor key should he be required to bleep out something that asshole has thought might be funny.  Occasionally, the odd bit slips by Ed and he is embarrassed and humiliated. Ed really doesn't like feeling like that.

There's plenty more that's wrong with me, but that's a quick and dirty look into what goes on in my head day-to-day.

One this is for sure though. No longer will my depression define who I am. I will find the strength, and I will fight until my dying breath. I won't ever win. It's a war that can't be won. But I will win more than I lose. I will be the person I want to be. 95% Ed. 5% Asshole (when service sucks at a restaurant, when someone tries to steal my parking space, and sometimes... when I'm just too tired to fight anymore).

F#$K DEPRESSION!

The Boys are Back in Town!

The Barrick Boys are all back together for the first time in over a month.

CWB came Sunday afternoon, CEB came Monday afternoon. First thing that happened not long after they'd arrived. Their iPads mysteriously disappeared into a locked cabinet and the key went missing.

There way much whining and crying, especially from a 13 year old. The "B" word (bored) was used a couple of times and chores were doled out. Man am I ever learning all kinds of neat stuff from blogs of friends. Mwahahaha.

It wasn't long, though, before they accepted the new rules regarding screen time and were off and playing. They've got some kind of imaginary game thing going today for the second time in a row. We were out to the park with the RC car again. Spent some time searching for ping pong balls that had been hidden by Porsche the Kitteh (they ended up being under the stove. Didn't even think a ping pong ball would fit under there). They appear to be having a fine time without electronics. Yay for them!

On a not so great note, my financial situation continues to deteriorate. For the second month in a row, it's gonna be about making a choice between eating or making my car payment. I don't really NEED my car aside from being able to make it out to the country to pick up the kids. I could take the bus and bike where I need to go in town. Not really sure what I'm gonna do. Ideally, I'd like to get rid of the car and pick up a cheap beater early in the new year once my situation, hopefully, improves. I'm really, really, really not interested in having the conversation with the Exes where I ask if they can bring the kids to me. I'm already doing little enough as it is.

I've cut expenses just about as much as I can. Aside from Hydro, Internet and Phone, I have no other regular bills. The car is, by far, the biggest expense I have. Between a car payment, insurance, fuel and repairs, I just can't justify it anymore I don't think. I think I'm gonna have to let it go, and save up for a $3000 or so beater in the winter maybe. I guess I'll have to call the bank and see what they say...

EDIT: I have decided that I cannot realistically, at this point, be without a car, so I will be searching for a solution which may include trading my newer car for an older car which is worth considerably less and would cost me significantly less on a monthly basis. 2005 Honda Civic maybe...

Let's finish up today on a fun/positive note. I caught CEB doing a rain dance earlier. One of the rules for Xbox and iPad is that it needs to be raining. No such luck for him yet. They did get to play a little bit this morning while I was kinda still sleeping. They are totally surviving.

Karaoke?!

That's right. Against every natural instinct within my body. I went out to Karaoke last night.

I really wasn't sure what to expect. I've never been to a karaoke night before, and my only real knowledge of it comes from what I've seen on TV and in Movies. It was fantastic.

Some of the people I've been getting to know from around town were going, so I kind of invited myself. It's kind of an open event like #thurspintsw which I've posted about before, but I'm still always nervous about just showing up places by myself.

As usual, met a few great new people along the way too.

The song book was passed around. I took a look, but wasn't really sure about singing. Added a little liquid courage, and after listening to some other folks sing, decided I should take the plunge. Being my first time out, I really should have picked some old standard type songs, but I didn't. I picked "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran, which is a fantastic song, and is easy to sing along to in the car, but not as easy at karaoke. Ouch... first thing I noticed, it's hard to hear yourself a little bit... kinda wish I'd had monitors... now I understand why artists use them. Second rotation came around and I decided I should do something a little more rockin'. So, "Round Here" by Florida Georgia Line was written on the little slip of paper. I had two slips with me. The other was "Leaving On A Jet Plane," the John Denver classic. Should have gone with that one. Realizing quickly that karaoke is really about songs everyone can kinda sing along with. I put in "Leaving On A Jet Plane" but the rotation didn't make it back around. :( Next time. Next time? Yep. Definitely!

The night finished with our whole gang up and dancing and singing to Madonna's "Ray of Light". It was noted later that the singer was surprised that I knew "every nanosecond" of the song. That was, by far, the highlight of the night. Everybody singing, everybody dancing, everybody laughing! Madonna rocks and that song is amongst her best, but not my favourite off that album. "Little Star" will continue to hold that honour for me.

I still didn't get up the guts to ask the girl who's number I'd really like for her number. Shy Zed strikes again. My self confidence is building, but I guess it's still not quite where I'd like it. That sweet spot between afraid to speak and obnoxiously arrogant. That's a really big space... I hope I'll soon get up the nerve to ask, so we could be in slightly more frequent communication.

So, once again, Zed has travelled miles and miles outside his comfort zone and survived. Who'd have thought?