It's been far too long since I wrote anything on here. I've been doing a little bit of private journalling, but nothing that I felt comfortable sharing. The last couple of weeks, though, have been really tough, and I feel like I need to get some of it out in written words. Not because it will, necessarily, make me feel any better, but because I hope that it may help someone else in a similar situation.
If you're new here, I suggest you go back and read some of the stuff from last year before you continue.
I finished 2014 and started 2015 feeling pretty positive about things generally. I was developing some new and genuine friendships. Had a part time job to bring in a little money, was getting ready to start school. All very positive things. 2015 was increasingly looking like it was going to be a great year...
Here we are in Mid-March. I don't know if it's the weather. February was unusually harsh, but I didn't really mind I don't think. Maybe it's just weariness from Winter and the lack of Vitamin D. Maybe it's that I haven't had any hours at work in 3 weeks. Maybe it's the Karaoke outing I planned that 2 people showed up for. I don't know... but it feels like all the hard work I've been doing is unravelling.
I feel terrible.
It's not all bad of course. School is going pretty well. I am excelling in my classes and am actually enjoying the school environment. People are pretty great. The bus ride to and fro isn't bad. The material is awesome.
I've developed the most wonderful new friendship. I'm working very hard at being vulnerable, and open and honest and understanding. I think it's working pretty well. It's working great for me, anyway.
The kids are pretty great. The good thing about having no hours is that at least I don't have to shuffle shifts around to see my boys!
So with all these things going so well, why do I feel so crummy?
I'm spending more time having, what I think are, quality interactions with people. I'm still not where I would like to be.
I'm not exercising as much as I would like. All of the activities I have are leaving me a little physically exhausted.
I think my biggest problem, right now, is CONFUSION.
In my old life, I was confident about my feelings. I was pretty sure that I was having appropriate emotions for the situation I was in.
Nowadays, I'm scared of everything. Positive experiences scare me. I'm so afraid that the old me is gonna pop up and screw things up.
Negative experiences scare me even more. I've been working so hard and I'm not getting the response I would like. This makes me wonder whether all this work has been for nothing. That is certainly not true.
I guess the real truth is that I'm starting to figure out how long this healing journey could actually take, and that's probably the scariest thing. I'm not getting any younger. I'm coming up fast on 42 years old. I kinda would like to have my shit together soon rather than later. I'd like to have some confidence in my abilities to manage and cope in situations so that I can really start moving forward again in a significant manner. Instead it feels like I'm chest deep in mud and fighting for every millimetre of progress. It's physically and emotionally exhausting.
I guess the real reason for this post is this. My resolve is being tested. Do I have the strength to keep fighting, or do I give up?
The good news, I guess, is that MY RESOLVE HAS NOT WEAKENED ONE BIT. I will fight for as long as it takes. I will not give up. I may not win, but I will win more than I lose. I will be a better person. I will be a better friend. Maybe, someday, I will be a better lover and partner.
F#$K DEPRESSION!
