To Write or Not to Write

That is the question.

I haven't written in over a week. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling down, or because I just don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say.

It's been a very bad week or so emotionally. I don't know why. Maybe I do.

Money problems continue. I continue making bad decisions money wise. I need to fix that. Someone told me this week that my depression is the cause. Maybe it is, but that seems to me like a bit of a copout.

Copout, that's an interesting word. I feel like blaming my disease for everything bad that's ever happened to me is bullshit. I don't think it's true. Blaming my disease for self-destructive behaviour, money problems, for just generally being an asshole sometimes doesn't make anything better.

Maybe I'm depressed because of the things I've done. Maybe there's nothing wrong with my brain chemicals. Maybe that's why medication doesn't work. Maybe I'm just an asshole. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm a raging narcissist. Maybe I'm a whole bunch of things...

I don't know what the answer is anymore.

I'm more confused and more sad, and more lonely than ever.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to feel like this anymore.

The summer is over.

More and more as the summer has been coming to a close, the fear has been coming... hard and fast... I've been looking forward all summer to starting the day hospital program at the Civic Hospital. I'm still hoping it's going to be helpful, but what if it isn't.

I've been getting a lot of hearsay about the hospital program. I'm told they are quite strict. 3 strikes and you're out kind of thing. Don't be late, don't miss a day, don't do this, don't do that. That all scares me a lot. I've heard that the last program they ran started with 14 and 1 finished. That scares me. What if I'm not the one?

I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared something will work. I'm scared it won't. I'm scared to go out. I'm scared to stay in. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing.

I'm pretty sure I've scared some people off already. I feel like such an idiot. I want to say and do the right thing, but I'm more and more confused about what the right thing to say and do is. I am so full of self-doubt now that I'm not sure of forward from backward, up from down, black from white.

I can honestly say I've never felt more hopeless.

I keep crying out for help, but I'm not sure people are hearing me. Some are. There are some people that have been fantastic.

Hopelessness is a truly scary thing. I've been feeling this way for pretty more than a year. I feel a little bit better every now and again, but I always end up back here. What if I'm truly and hopelessly broken?

I'm done for today... gonna write again tomorrow...