I've been struggling since I heard the news. I was despondent for a while. I was in a dark place.
Such a brilliant mind. I know that he had his issues throughout his life. I know now, too late, that the fight became too much for him.
I really don't understand at my core what could make someone think that fighting isn't possible anymore. I guess at 63 years of age, Robin Williams couldn't fight anymore.
The first thoughts that went through my mind were simple. If someone who's that successful, someone who can so effortlessly make people around him laugh, or cry. Someone who can reach down from that silver screen and touch your soul. If he can't find the strength to fight, what chance do I have?
It was hard to feel that. It was scary. REALLY scary. I don't know that I've ever felt such an immediate and intense fear.
Reading through the tweets and the Facebook posts was making it worse. I turned off the computer, I closed the iPad. I gave my son a hug and we went for a walk. Not a long walk. Just a walk. To get me away from the things that were getting me down and bring me back to the things that lift me up. We stopped at the convenience store where I splurged for a caffeine and sugar fix. Coca-Cola, I love you! We walked. We talked. I think he could tell that something was bothering me, but I didn't talk to him about Robin. I just listened. He talked and talked. I'm not sure I heard everything he said, things were going through my mind so quick, but his voice is so relaxing and calming.
I don't think the world has ever seen an actor with the range of Robin Williams. I'm not sure we ever will again. From comedy to drama, his career ran the gamut. Good Morning Vietnam. Aladdin. Good Will Hunting. Dead Poets Society. Patch Adams. Hook. Jumanji. The list goes on and on. He made me laugh. He made me cry. His performances were such an integral part of my life. Mork and Mindy started on TV when I was 5 years old. I have known Robin Williams for most of my life. I will miss him. Thank goodness he left us so many great performances to enjoy in his absence. I don't think I'll ever be able to see those performances the same way again though. Throughout the evening, it has struck me that in all of the photos that I have seen, whether he be smiling or not, in the clips from Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society and even Good Morning Vietnam, that there is a mask that he is wearing. The mask I recognize so well. I see it every time I look in a mirror. Maybe I am playing some sort of transference thing. I don't know for sure. All I know for sure is that his death has hit me like a tonne of bricks.
I feel incredibly empowered by my newly found understanding of myself. I'm also incredibly afraid of it. Throughout the last year, I feel like my heart, my feelings, my brain are like a live wire. So raw. So open. So vulnerable. I feel things now in a way that I never felt them before. Everything I feel seems amplified by a power of magnitude. The scariest part of it all is that while I am feeling all these things in such an exciting new way, I have not yet mastered the skills required to control them all. I am learning, and almost every day I feel stronger and better.
My thoughts are with Robin's family and friends. I didn't know him, aside from his performances. I wish I could have. I know these must be amongst the most difficult times his family has faced. I hope and pray that they might know that Robin is finally at peace. That his demons can haunt him no longer.
Finally, like I said the other day. If you are suffering, or if you know someone who is suffering. Reach out! Ask for help! Do not think you have to do this alone. You don't! I am here. Your family and friends are there. If you think you don't have any friends. You do. I am your friend. I will be your friend. You are not alone!
Thank you Robin! Thank you for being you. I'm saddened that you couldn't find peace on this earth with us. I hope that you are finally at peace. I hope that some day we will meet, and I can tell you how much you meant to me, and how much I have missed you since you left.
Peace and love to all. Hug your family. Hug your friends. Tell them how you feel about them. Tell them if you're happy. Tell them if you're sad. Shout from the rooftops. Scream at the top of your lungs! Make yourself heard! Make sure they know! Don't wait! DO IT NOW!
1 comment:
When my middle school teachers couldn't seem to care enough to teach us anything, they had us watch Dead Poets Society in English class. Little did I know that it would help me discover my love of words. "We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race."
It's sad that tragedy is what forces us to reflect and to be thankful of the gifts we receive, even from the people who only seem to exist in the background until they disappear. It's weird that total strangers can leave us feeling so empty once we realize we won't be seeing them around anymore, and that they weren't actually in the background after all. They were right there with us as we learned and grew and felt and feared and loved.
It's important to remember that we all have our struggles and our torments. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask someone if they're okay, even if they're the person who makes you laugh the hardest. You haven't lived their story. But if they feel that it's safe, they might use the words we share to express something that might save their life.
Always remember to appreciate the gifs from those who are just passing through. They matter.
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