Monday... yep. Monday alright.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna write today or not.

I'm feeling really negatively right now, and am not really sure I'm in the right frame of mind to write without saying something I'll regret later. You know what though? I'm gonna write anyway. I'm gonna be as positive as I can about my situation and see where it goes.

I'm not good with money. Never have been. Trying hard to be better though. Tried hard to 'live the life' that you'd always dream of. House, picket fence, two cars in the driveway, great family, cottage, boat, etc........ It's what everybody wants growing up, right? I had it all! I had a good government job. I had a house. I had a cottage. Two boats. What's to be upset about?

Well, all of that stuff costs money. Lots and lots of money. You know what else costs money? Even more than all the rest of that stuff? Kids!

Yep. Kids! I love my kids. Absolutely and completely. Like I've said before, I never knew I could love anything so much as I love my kids.

Although I've had failed relationships with separate women. I don't regret a minute with either one, because each of these women gave me the greatest gift a man can get. An absolutely wonderful child.

I'm incredibly lucky because despite my many shortcomings in these relationships, I continue to be on good terms with both of my sons' Moms. A friend posted not too long ago about conscious uncoupling after Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin uncoupled and I thought to myself, "We've been doing that for years. There isn't anything new about this." Despite differences, we've put all of that mostly aside for the good of the children. Drs, Teachers, Principals, Social Workers all seem in awe when parents who are separated show up together to discuss a child. I guess we are supposed to hate each other, but what good is that really? I have always, and will always, put the best interests of my child ahead of my own. I've always felt an unending need to support my children to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I will do things beyond my ability out of a feeling of guilt for not being a better partner or a better dad.

I was working in the government and making pretty good money. I was living paycheque to paycheque. Why? I don't know. We should have been rich, but we weren't. Always living beyond my means because isn't that what we do? Always trying to keep up with the Jones'. Car payments, cottage payments, mortgage payments, boat payments, cable, cell phones, etc. etc. etc...

But wait, what about the kids? Oh yeah. When Ex1 came looking for more money, because it appeared I was doing very well for myself, I was, to say the least, hesitant. I couldn't really afford what I was paying, but I certainly wanted to do right by my child. I, like with most other scary things in my life, avoided the situation as long as I could. I knew I couldn't really afford more. I wasn't really in a position where I could easily cut back on expenses. It wasn't my decision alone and I couldn't expect my new family to sacrifice because of my shortcomings. When the day finally came, I agreed to a new amount that was realistically way beyond what I could actually afford to pay, but that's what the child support guidelines said I should be able to afford, so who was I to argue?

That day, was arguably, the beginning of the end for me financially. So many payments are just automatically withdrawn from the bank account in this day and age, that you can't really avoid paying them. Not that you should. I made commitments and I intended to pay them all. Here's the thing though, when the total of the commitments you've made exceeds your income, you have a problem. I really have no one else to blame for any of this mess than me. I was trying so hard to please everyone, to be the man I was expected to be, that I didn't really stop to think. I didn't think about tomorrow. Only that moment, that day.

I made my payments. Every month, for as long as I could, and sometimes beyond when I could. Mortgage, car payments, child care, child support, cottage, boat, etc etc etc... You get the idea. And when the cash money runs out, what do you do? Well, I still need to get to work, so I'll just put all the gas on a credit card. Then I can pay all my bills, get to work, keep making money, then I'll pay off the credit card. Hold on dummy. Last month you didn't have enough money to pay all the bills and still get to work, why is next month gonna be any different? I don't know. I'll worry about that next month, and the next month, and the next month. You see where this is going, right?

Oh crap, now the credit card is past it's limit and I still don't have enough money. I didn't get that new job I wanted and the pay raise that goes with it? I still have all these commitments? What do I do? Well, most of the payments come out automatically. I guess the ones that don't won't get paid, but I'll catch up when I do my taxes. Right........... child support falls behind, credit cards don't get paid, etc.

Aha. A plan. I totally hate my job. I'm completely miserable. I can barely get out of bed most days to go to work. I already have attendance issues. I've used up all of my sick leave when I was stuck in bed for a month. I've always wanted to be a truck driver. Problems solved. My pension has been vested, so if I take a cash transfer of my pension, I can catch up on all my bills, pay for truck driving school, get a job making similar money driving a truck and everything will be hunky dory. Right?

Sure. Quick fix. That money sure went quick. Did manage to get caught up on all the bills. Managed to pay the day to day expenses for quite a while. Went off to truck driving school. They money started to dry up pretty quick and the commitments became more than the bank balance in a hurry. Totally my own fault again. All of it. Start falling behind on child support and credit cards again...

Got a job (delayed three months due to sleep apnea). Went to work. Made pretty good money. Was almost managing to keep up. Then, out of nowhere, and without warning, crashed my truck, lost my job. Devastated. Utterly destroyed. This job was the best job I'd had since selling computers in my early twenties. I was travelling around, driving here to there, listening to podcasts and music all day, and getting paid. I was supporting my kids and my family, and I was still home every second weekend to see them, and we had FaceTime to talk on a regular basis.

When I lost that job, things went bad in a hurry. I was so depressed I could barely move. I applied for every job I could think of but wasn't getting any calls. The big companies that I wanted to go work for wouldn't touch me once they heard about my crash. Downward spiral in a hurry.

Marriage was already in trouble before I went trucking. I was hoping that trucking would help. It didn't really. And being home and depressed was worse. About a month after losing my job, my marriage exploded in spectacular fashion.

That's when things got really bad. I really thought I was fine. Didn't think I had any lingering effects from the accident. Went for a few interviews in Toronto, got a couple of offers, took one. First night in the truck, out of nowhere, total breakdown. Went back the next morning and told them I couldn't do it. Best decision I ever made. No way I should have been operating a tractor trailer weighing 80,000 lbs in the state of mind I was in.

Now I'm in a real pickle. I'm basically homeless. I have no job. No prospects. Mentally destroyed, and still have all these financial commitments.

I apply for and get my EI. Start paying my commitments. At least when you're homeless, your housing costs are low. Family totally saved me. Aunt and Uncle let me stay at their house while they went to Florida for the winter. Housing covered for the moment. EI keeping me afloat, partially.

I feel like a total failure as a man. I feel like a total failure as a human being. I am absolutely and completely destroyed. If it wasn't for my love for my children and the support of the people around me, I might not have made it through those days.

EI ran out. Let's take another crack at this trucking thing. I'm really feeling okay, right? ... Sure ...

Take a job with the company where I had the breakdown in September. It's now early February. Start driving for them on the WORST snow day of the year in Toronto. Drive slow, no problem. Get to customer. Stuck in a snow bank. Manage to muscle myself out. Get loaded. Into the ditch coming out. Losing my cool. Manage to back it out of the ditch and off I go. Days go on like this for a while. Stuck, loose. Lose my cool. Every minute of every day, all I want is out of this truck. Every time I turn the wheel, is it gonna jackknife? Am I gonna kill someone this time. Stuck, loose. Lose my cool. Totally expecting to get fired. Nope. Please let me out of this truck!!! Wash, rinse, repeat.

I've known for a while that I have a problem with depression. I wanna get help. I need to get help. How can I get real and serious help from this truck? Finally, I just can't take the stress anymore. Hand in the keys.

At the same time, I need money. I need to support myself and my kids. Into the RSPs. Need to start a new life. Get an apartment, keep up paying child support (now for 2 kids). You can guess that money didn't last long.

I've been in to see the Dr. repeatedly. Tried new medications, tried to get a psychiatry consult. I have no money, so psychology is basically out of the question. Try this, try that. Finally... Mom is here helping me get moved into my apartment. Money is running out fast, but I'm going for it anyway. I need my own space to have motivation to start a new life. End up in a total meltdown again. My mom isn't having any more of this. We're going to the hospital. I don't want any part of this. They are gonna lock me up. Plus I have my boys this weekend. Can't miss that. Doesn't matter she tells me. You are going to the hospital. Begrudgingly, off I go. Thank goodness for friends who work in hospitals and can make some calls to let people know you're coming. Didn't wait long in the ER. Got some referrals. Dr. won't keep me. Go home. I'm despondent. I need help. Despite my earlier wishes. I don't want to go home now. Please don't send me home. Gives me a list of numbers with drop in counselling and pay what you can afford psychology and counselling etc. Totally hopeless.

Spend the weekend with my boys. Feeling awful. I don't know if that was the weekend, but one weekend they were over, I spent most of the weekend crying. Hopeless. Failure. That's all I could think.

Started making calls on Monday morning. Called here, called there... Waiting list... Long waiting list... ahh... Mental Health Care in Ontario. There are a couple of extra ones that he has handwritten onto the standard list that the hospital hands out. One of them is St. Paul University. They call me back, and tell me that they can take me in a couple of weeks. The first few weeks are hard. I've not had much success with psychology or psychiatry or counselling in the past, but I'm in a different mindset now. I actually look forward to going most weeks now. I'm really looking forward to going this week.

Anyways, back to money. Not long after I have moved into my apartment, money runs very short. I'm not gonna make next months rent. Off to welfare I go. Crying all the way. I've never been comfortable taking money from the tax payer. I'd never used EI until I lost my trucking job, and I would never have thought I would take welfare. Every time you think you've hit rock bottom, something comes along and drives you further down. I think applying for welfare was rock bottom for me. I've never been so ashamed in my life.

Get approved for welfare, pay another months rent. But welfare isn't going to cover it for long.

I tried and tried for a long time to get a job back doing what I love. Selling computers. Tried and tried and tried to get into the Apple Store. People who know me know I'm totally in love with my iPhone, iPad, AppleTV, MacBook and Mac Mini. All of which I shouldn't have bought because I couldn't afford them at the times that I bought them (although some of them were gifts). Got an interview at Best Buy. Redid my resume at Northern Lights. Nothing.

Going to the hospital was probably the best thing I ever did. The referrals I got from the ER are totally helping me turn my life around. Got follow up care from the general, including new meds, which may or may not be helping. Got the hookup for St. Paul University (BEST THING EVER). Got a referral for the day hospital program that is run out of the Civic that I should be starting towards the end of August. Hopefully these things will give me the tools to move forward productively.

Anyways, back to money.... managed to get enough money to pay rent through the end of the year... welfare is keeping me in the rest of the essentials of life... but what of all those old commitments? Well, I'm basically bankrupt, except I can't actually afford to declare bankruptcy, because declaring bankruptcy costs money. Bill collectors can keep calling for a while. I will deal with them in time.

I've lost most everything, and I've taken many others down with me along the way. Gone is the house, and the boat, and the cottage...

I live in a pretty nice two bedroom apartment so that the kids have a place to sleep when they come to visit (though they may have to soon share a room with me so I can get a roommate). I've totally gone lean on belongings. Gone are most of the knick knacks that for so many years adorned bookcases around my house. Gone are all forms of physical media. Gone are all the bookcases full of useless material possessions. All that's left are items of great sentimental value. You could almost shoot a cannon through my apartment without hitting anything. I could still use to get rid of more stuff even.

Now, the reason for this post in the first place. Child Support. I've worked a total of about 7 months since September 2012 when I left my cushy government job. The months that I worked, I probably just about broke even. The rest of those months... savings... my retirement savings are mostly gone... I've paid child support I couldn't afford to pay, I've paid bills I couldn't afford to pay, I've paid for dinners I couldn't afford to pay for... and now I'm BROKE. I've done all I can.

I had what was probably the hardest conversation I've ever had. The most humbling conversation I've ever had. The day I had to sit down with Kid1's Mom to tell her I wouldn't be able to keep paying my child support anymore. I have NEVER in MY LIFE felt like more of a scumbag than I did that day. There are dead beat dads out there, but I never thought I'd be one.

Sadly, the time finally came when I had to decide whether to keep paying what I couldn't afford, or commit to getting the help I needed to become the man I need to be and the father I need to be to my children. I made the choice, and I would make it again, but it doesn't make me feel any better about not supporting my child.

The feeling of not being able to support you child is worse than losing your job, it's worse than you marriage ending, I would guess that it is probably worse than getting shot in the face. I've never been more heartbroken than when I finally had to have that conversation. Kid1's Mom has been incredibly understanding through the last year. I couldn't thank her enough for her kindness and support. But when it came time to agree to terminating support for the time being, she balked. I totally don't blame her. If you've learned anything about me in this post, it's that I have a tendency to live beyond my means. I wasn't entirely cooperative when she approached me about increasing support the first time, so why should she take me at my word this time. I totally understand, and it's totally heartbreaking at the same time.

So... here I am... stuck between a rock and a hard place... I can't afford to keep paying... and I really don't want to go to court and force it... I feel bad enough already... and I've given her plenty of reason not to trust me... so what do I do?

If I've been feeling better the last few weeks, it went quickly up in smoke today, and it's nobody's fault but mine.