Consent

Time to switch speeds a little bit on the blog I think.

Mental health is still a huge topic for me, and you can expect me to keep writing about it. I have been struggling privately with a few things recently, but haven't had a lot of thoughts that I feel strongly enough about to blog.

On to today's big topic. CONSENT.

I've been really hesitant to blog about this subject. I'm still really hesitant but I've read too many stories from people I know, friends, that these kinds of events have happened to stay silent any longer. The stories in the news are inevitable. You've read them, you've read the stories from people who have stayed silent.

The fact that we still need to discuss this in the 21st century makes me angry in ways I don't like.

I don't understand, at all, how after thousands of years of "civilization" that we, as humans, can still be having this conversation. I don't understand how men, and probably even women, can't come to grips with the concept of consent.

Realistically, how can people not understand a concept as simple as "Yes means Yes, anything other than an explicit YES, means NO!" This doesn't seem like rocket science. For goodness sake people, SMARTEN UP!

Let me next say that as a general rule, I believe in 'innocent until proven guilty'. However, in the case of sexual assault, I truly believe the opposite should be true. From the information that I've read, and I am by no means an expert, people are afraid to come forward because they believe, rightfully so apparently, that more often than not, their telling of events will not be believed. That needs to stop, right now. If a someone comes forward to police with an account of sexual assault, that account needs to be taken with the assumption that it is 100% factual.

This of course brings us to another thorny place. What happens if the account isn't factual? How does one properly defend themselves? Do we need to start getting notarized affidavits of consent before engaging in sexual activities? That seems extreme. What is fair? What isn't? Are there people who create fictional accounts for nefarious purposes? Absolutely. I don't think it's worth dismissing all of the unreported acts for the few that might be fictional? Where is the balance? I don't know.

Let me state, unequivocally, that I am absolutely comfortable convicting innocent people occasionally if it means justice the other 99.9% of the time. In a perfect world, no innocent person would ever be convicted, but if I have to make a choice between innocent people being convicted or guilty people walking free, I'm gonna fall on the side of the victims. They deserve justice. They deserve to be heard. The guilty deserve to go to jail.

So, with all that in mind, here is my final thought. Unless the person you are with says YES, keep your fucking hands to yourself. Even if they do say YES, think for a minute, are they in the proper state of mind to understand what they are consenting to? Are they under the influence? Are they in an altered state due to another event? If we ever have any doubts, we have the power within ourselves to say NO, this isn't the right thing to do. Make that choice. Do the right thing.

Graduation

So how bout that.

I graduated from my Acute Day Hospital program at the Civic Hospital.

I wrote briefly about my first day. I wrote more extensively at the half way point. I guess now is the point in the story where I talk about what, if anything, I learned.

I'm not sure how much detail I want to go into about my diagnosis / situation.

The program was fantastic. I will say that much. It's 2 hours of group psychotherapy in the morning. Let me say, in no uncertain terms, that I'm not a huge fan of group therapy. There were points were I really felt like I got something significant from speaking about my issues, and learning from situations that others in the group were dealing with. I did learn some things about myself in group, but more often than not, it felt like we spent far too much time stuck in the weeds. The group sometimes spent too much time dealing with circumstances instead of dealing with how members were dealing with the circumstances. Circumstances can't always change, how you deal with them, and how your own behaviour can influence your circumstances are much more important things to look at.

The better part of the program for me was the afternoon sessions. They focused on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. We dealt with different subjects each day. Monday was Goal Setting, Tuesday was Cognitive Behavioural Change, Wednesday was Communication Skills and Thursday was Stress Management. The Goal setting group was probably my favourite. I think the lesson from my first week is the one that will stick with me the most going forward. The first thing I learned was about my life grid. Basically, I learned in a big hurry that my life has no balance. It's something I realized a little bit before I started the program, but it really slapped me that first day. I have a tendency to go all in when I find something good. That is not a healthy option, because when that one thing goes away, then there really isn't anything else to keep me going. Moving forward, I will be making a much greater effort to widen the scope of my activities. I've already taken up acting and Karaoke, lots more things to try.

We did a wide variety of activities, covering a variety of topics. I can't remember them all at the moment, but they did provide me with a giant stack of reading that I can refer back to at my leisure to remind me of all the great things I learned.

Finally, the most important thing I learned. This is NOT a short journey. This is a lifelong journey / war. I'm not convinced it's a war that can be won. I do, however, think that going forward, I can win more battles than I lose.

I'm not perfect, I'm never going to be perfect, but I'm definitely going to be a better man, a better parent, a better friend, and a better person than I was when I started.

Therapy continues. I'll be back to St. Paul University tomorrow, and I've finally got a Psychiatrist who will hopefully be able to help too. I've also got some stuff to work on independently, a new sleep study to request, and a study at the Royal about low dose IV Ketamine's effect on chronic depression.

I'm working hard on the social stuff. I'm working on expanding my social circle. I'm looking hard at options for school and work so I can get back to being a contributing member of society.

I am pretty excited about the future now. I have a good vision of where I want to be and what it's going to take to get from where I am to there.

If you are interested in knowing more, I'm very willing to talk about my experience at more length and in more detail. If you have questions, please feel free to shoot them over and I will do my best to answer them.

More to come...

Half Way...

Yep, that's right, it's been 3 weeks.

For those of you who don't know, I'm doing the Acute Day Hospital program at the Ottawa Hospital, Civic Campus. It is designed to help me develop skills and strategies to deal with my depression in a healthier fashion.

The last 3 weeks have been a complete blur. I don't remember most of the first week at all. The second and third weeks haven't been much better. Good news is that I have a giant binder with all the pertinent information in it, so I can go back over it later.

I've definitely had a few 'Eureka' moments, mostly good, through the first few weeks. I'm really starting to recognize a lot of my thought distortions and life traps.

I can't say enough about the people I've met in the program. They are such an amazing and strong group of people. I'm so inspired by the strength and courage displayed in group every day.

I'm not sure, specifically, what I can say I've learned. This feels weird to me because I've learned so much. It just feels hard to put into words.

Hopefully in the next week or so, I'll be able to better quantify how I'm feeling, and what I've learned. No promises though.

I am mostly feeling better. Although today was a tough day. I've been emotionally exhausted for the last 3 weeks, and occasionally it'll catch up with me. Today was one of those days. Suppose it doesn't really help that it was rainy and cold here today.

I'm really not looking forward to the program ending for me in 3 weeks time. Despite how hard it is, I'm so enjoying it. I enjoy the people, I enjoy the atmosphere. I enjoy just about everything about it.

As I get closer to the end, I'll be developing my discharge plan. That'll be where some of you might really be able to help.

First things first, I'm going to need a job. I'm not looking for anything fancy. Really, anything will do. I'd really love to do retail of any kind, but I'm not picky.

Secondly, social activities. This one is really important. I need to get out more. Movies, walks, dinner, games night, I love Cribbage and Euchre, Xbox games night, anything! Haven't played a lot of the new board games that are all the craze. I kinda gave up board games after Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit, but I'd love to try out the new ones. Please call me any day, any night, any afternoon. If I'm having a down day, please don't take it personally, and please don't give up on me. Finances are tight, but I'm totally up for just about anything.

Third, SPORTS. I'm really hoping to get back into curling this winter. If you know of any teams that need anyone, I'd be more than happy to have a chance to join up. Dodge ball, volleyball, ball hockey, I'm up to trying anything. I'm not super athletic at the moment, but I'm working on it.

Fourth, training. I'd really love to get a personal trainer to help me get into the shape I'd prefer to be in. I'd really like to lose 40 pounds, increase upper body strength, cardio stamina, etc. I've been doing a lot more walking the last couple of weeks, at increasing intensity. The only thing I'm not totally keen on is running. Not sure my left knee would be able to handle it, but I'd love to be convinced.

Please feel free to chip in any ideas. I'm building this new life almost from scratch, and I'm willing to try anything. Not promising that I'll love it, but I'll try it.

Anyhoo... I guess that'll be it for now.

Hope to hear from you.

Overwhelmed...

If there was one word to describe my experience after 1 week... overwhelmed would be it.

It was a good week I think. People have asked me what I learned... the answer... I'm not sure...

A lot of feelings and information all get thrown at you in a hurry... I'm not sure anything has totally stuck yet. 

If there was one thing that really stuck, it was Monday afternoon. We looked at our Life Grid. All about life balance, between hobbies and work and family etc. It really struck me right away how empty my life grid is. Aside from a few things that I don't do that often, I really don't have much going on.

I've been getting out and trying some new things, and meeting some new people, but that hasn't developed to where I want it to be. Everything will come in time I hope. Gotta stick with it I think. In the immortal words of Dory... "Just keep swimming..."

Day 1

I was up bright and early this morning... after about 3 hours of sleep. Didn't stop me from hitting the snooze on my alarm 3 times before finally rolling out of bed.

Got myself all ready. Haven't really had to do that for a while. Was a little rusty. Felt a bit like a chicken with my head cut off. Had prepared most of the stuff I would need last night, but still felt like I was missing stuff this morning. Managed to walk out the door without my lunch.

Got some bus tickets and rode the bus. Still HATE the bus. 15 minute trip takes 45 with OC Limo. Craziness. Probably better than trying to park at the absolutely terrible Civic Campus of the Ottawa Hospital. Still managed to arrive very early.

Met with the social worker and got the general idea of what will be going on for the next 6 weeks. It seems to be very structured, which I think will be very good. Met everybody else in the group. Observed for my first day. I guess they like to ease people into it. It's quite interesting how it works. It's basically on a rotation. They rotate 1 or 2 people in and out every week, so there are more experienced people and newer people all the time.

It seems like it will be a good program, and I really feel like I'm ready to change the things about myself that I don't like. I only hope I have the strength to change those things and stick with them over time.

1 down... 29 to go... doesn't seem like very many days... I think they'll be mostly good days though... I guess we'll see....

To Write or Not to Write

That is the question.

I haven't written in over a week. I don't know if it's because I'm feeling down, or because I just don't feel like I have anything worthwhile to say.

It's been a very bad week or so emotionally. I don't know why. Maybe I do.

Money problems continue. I continue making bad decisions money wise. I need to fix that. Someone told me this week that my depression is the cause. Maybe it is, but that seems to me like a bit of a copout.

Copout, that's an interesting word. I feel like blaming my disease for everything bad that's ever happened to me is bullshit. I don't think it's true. Blaming my disease for self-destructive behaviour, money problems, for just generally being an asshole sometimes doesn't make anything better.

Maybe I'm depressed because of the things I've done. Maybe there's nothing wrong with my brain chemicals. Maybe that's why medication doesn't work. Maybe I'm just an asshole. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm a raging narcissist. Maybe I'm a whole bunch of things...

I don't know what the answer is anymore.

I'm more confused and more sad, and more lonely than ever.

All I know for sure is that I don't want to feel like this anymore.

The summer is over.

More and more as the summer has been coming to a close, the fear has been coming... hard and fast... I've been looking forward all summer to starting the day hospital program at the Civic Hospital. I'm still hoping it's going to be helpful, but what if it isn't.

I've been getting a lot of hearsay about the hospital program. I'm told they are quite strict. 3 strikes and you're out kind of thing. Don't be late, don't miss a day, don't do this, don't do that. That all scares me a lot. I've heard that the last program they ran started with 14 and 1 finished. That scares me. What if I'm not the one?

I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared something will work. I'm scared it won't. I'm scared to go out. I'm scared to stay in. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing. I'm scared of doing the wrong thing.

I'm pretty sure I've scared some people off already. I feel like such an idiot. I want to say and do the right thing, but I'm more and more confused about what the right thing to say and do is. I am so full of self-doubt now that I'm not sure of forward from backward, up from down, black from white.

I can honestly say I've never felt more hopeless.

I keep crying out for help, but I'm not sure people are hearing me. Some are. There are some people that have been fantastic.

Hopelessness is a truly scary thing. I've been feeling this way for pretty more than a year. I feel a little bit better every now and again, but I always end up back here. What if I'm truly and hopelessly broken?

I'm done for today... gonna write again tomorrow...

Understanding

I don't know why. I can't explain it. I want people to understand. I need people to understand.

I don't write particularly eloquently. When I write, I write what I feel. The raw emotions. I don't use a large vocabulary. No one will ever compare me with William Shakespeare. I'll never win an award. I won't get millions of page views. I write for me. My style is for me.

My feelings are what drives me to write and to share. I will write. I will share. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else, but at the very least it will help me.

Here are some of my feelings today.

I feel alone.

I feel abandoned.

I feel sick.

I need you to understand me. 

I need you to accept me. 

I need to accept myself. 

I accept you.

I am not depressed by choice. If I could choose to not be depressed, of course I would make that choice.

I don't choose to sit in my apartment alone all day. Sometimes I just don't have it in my to get up and go out. If I had one wish, it would be that people would call me and ask me how I'm doing. I'm working hard on building a social network, something that is so incredibly hard for me. The people I've connected with are incredible people. I just wish I had the power to make some things move faster.

One of the most debilitating things about my depression is the fear and the awkwardness. I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing that it takes all I have to say anything.

It's a real double edged sword. I am terrible at initiating anything. I'm not a good planner. I want more than anything to be out and doing things with the people I've connected with. The people I've connected with have lives of their own, and problems of their own. I understand. I just need to find someone else who has a need as well. For a friend. No more. No less. I need someone who's stronger than me to reach out a hand of friendship to me.

I sound so pathetic. I sound like a total loser. Why would anyone want to be friends with me? I have no job. I have no money. I have nothing.

Wait a second. Some of that might be true. But so what?

I am jobless.

I am poor.

I am depressed.

I can change all of those.

I am emotional.

I am needy.

I am kind.

I am sympathetic.

I am a good listener.

I am fun. 

I care.

I wouldn't want to change any of those.

I have so much to offer.

I don't choose to alienate people. I don't choose to sometimes feel too strongly. It's just who I am.

There are things that I can change, and there are things that I can't change. I am okay with that. I am a better man than I was a year ago. I am a better man than I was yesterday.  I will be a better man tomorrow.

It won't happen all at once. I won't be the man I need to be tomorrow, or the next day, or even next year maybe, but I'll get there. One day at a time. One step at a time. One inch at a time.

Take a chance on me. You might regret it... or you might not.

Peace and love!

#FUCKDEPRESSION

RIP Robin Williams

I've been struggling since I heard the news. I was despondent for a while. I was in a dark place.

Such a brilliant mind. I know that he had his issues throughout his life. I know now, too late, that the fight became too much for him.

I really don't understand at my core what could make someone think that fighting isn't possible anymore. I guess at 63 years of age, Robin Williams couldn't fight anymore.

The first thoughts that went through my mind were simple. If someone who's that successful, someone who can so effortlessly make people around him laugh, or cry. Someone who can reach down from that silver screen and touch your soul. If he can't find the strength to fight, what chance do I have?

It was hard to feel that. It was scary. REALLY scary. I don't know that I've ever felt such an immediate and intense fear.

Reading through the tweets and the Facebook posts was making it worse. I turned off the computer, I closed the iPad. I gave my son a hug and we went for a walk. Not a long walk. Just a walk. To get me away from the things that were getting me down and bring me back to the things that lift me up. We stopped at the convenience store where I splurged for a caffeine and sugar fix. Coca-Cola, I love you! We walked. We talked. I think he could tell that something was bothering me, but I didn't talk to him about Robin. I just listened. He talked and talked. I'm not sure I heard everything he said, things were going through my mind so quick, but his voice is so relaxing and calming.

I don't think the world has ever seen an actor with the range of Robin Williams. I'm not sure we ever will again. From comedy to drama, his career ran the gamut. Good Morning Vietnam. Aladdin. Good Will Hunting. Dead Poets Society. Patch Adams. Hook. Jumanji. The list goes on and on. He made me laugh. He made me cry. His performances were such an integral part of my life. Mork and Mindy started on TV when I was 5 years old. I have known Robin Williams for most of my life. I will miss him. Thank goodness he left us so many great performances to enjoy in his absence. I don't think I'll ever be able to see those performances the same way again though. Throughout the evening, it has struck me that in all of the photos that I have seen, whether he be smiling or not, in the clips from Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society and even Good Morning Vietnam, that there is a mask that he is wearing. The mask I recognize so well. I see it every time I look in a mirror. Maybe I am playing some sort of transference thing. I don't know for sure. All I know for sure is that his death has hit me like a tonne of bricks.

I feel incredibly empowered by my newly found understanding of myself. I'm also incredibly afraid of it. Throughout the last year, I feel like my heart, my feelings, my brain are like a live wire. So raw. So open. So vulnerable. I feel things now in a way that I never felt them before. Everything I feel seems amplified by a power of magnitude. The scariest part of it all is that while I am feeling all these things in such an exciting new way, I have not yet mastered the skills required to control them all. I am learning, and almost every day I feel stronger and better.

My thoughts are with Robin's family and friends. I didn't know him, aside from his performances. I wish I could have. I know these must be amongst the most difficult times his family has faced. I hope and pray that they might know that Robin is finally at peace. That his demons can haunt him no longer.

Finally, like I said the other day. If you are suffering, or if you know someone who is suffering. Reach out! Ask for help! Do not think you have to do this alone. You don't! I am here. Your family and friends are there. If you think you don't have any friends. You do. I am your friend. I will be your friend. You are not alone!

Thank you Robin! Thank you for being you. I'm saddened that you couldn't find peace on this earth with us. I hope that you are finally at peace. I hope that some day we will meet, and I can tell you how much you meant to me, and how much I have missed you since you left.

Peace and love to all. Hug your family. Hug your friends. Tell them how you feel about them. Tell them if you're happy. Tell them if you're sad. Shout from the rooftops. Scream at the top of your lungs! Make yourself heard! Make sure they know! Don't wait! DO IT NOW!

The Week Ends

It's been a tough couple of days.

Things were going pretty good. Had the kids, we were even managing to get out and do stuff. Kids even managed to get along ALL week. I don't think they got snotty with each other at all. Managed to keep them away from electronics for a good part of the week. Kitty is super snuggly.

Wednesday was the best day I had this week. Good therapy session in the morning. Hung out with the boys. Went to the beach. Went to the Casino Fireworks. Great day.

I always take a bit of a dip when my kids go back to their other homes. This week was one of the worse weeks for that. I don't know if it's my money woes, or difficulty communicating with exes, or what, but I hit HARD.

One of the highlights of my week for the past couple of months has been #thurspintsw. I didn't go. I had no energy and no motivation to do anything.

Friday was no better. Never even left the house. Did manage to get caught up on some TV though, so it wasn't a total loss. (Note: If you're not watching Rizzoli and Isles, you are missing out!) Made a couple of calls to the bank to deal with the car situation. Think that is going to work itself out over the next couple of months. Made a couple of other calls to straighten out a couple of other misunderstandings. Finally, Friday ended pretty well.

Weekends are my most dreaded time of late. Don't generally have my boys for the weekends these days. They come during the week and then go home for the weekend. Got lucky last weekend with Karaoke. Have a birthday party to go to tonight. Aside from that. I don't have much to do.

I don't want to say I'm bored. I am, but I'm not. Having this time with nothing to do gives me lots of time to ponder life and it's sometimes very therapeutic. Sometimes, it's a little overwhelming. Sometimes the gears get going and it's hard to get them stopped. It's all part of life I think, but it can be frustrating.

I am hoping to followup on my previous post in the next few days but I think it will take some time to get my thoughts together for that.

If you are suffering, or have suffered, I'd love to hear from you about your experience if you're willing to share. Drop me an e-mail or get in touch through any of my social channels.

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A Story About Depression

So I've told you all kinds of stories about my depression. How it effects me. A little about how it effects others around me. Even how it makes me feel. What I haven't really tried to do, until now, is tried to explain how depression actually feels. What is the experience like. I'm not sure I'm gonna do it total justice, but I'm gonna try.

When I first started therapy a few months ago, we talked about me, and we talked about my depression.

Wait a minute? What? How can you talk about them separately?

I was a little confused at first.

We were talking about depression like it was something you could get rid of... that didn't seem right...

It seemed like a wildly strange concept to me.

We decided to split my personality into two parts. One was the Ed I want to be. The other was my depression, that I kind of wanted to go away. We decided we'd call him 'Asshole'. Inspired by what my ex-wife always called me, and still does, when I start acting like, well... an asshole.

One of the early weeks, we did a two chairs exercise. In one chair, Ed. In the other, Asshole. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was that day that I truly realized that I will never win my battle with depression. My depression is part of me now, and it's never leaving. It has an important role to play in my life and experiences. The trick will be minimizing the role it plays. Controlling it. Controlling the tendencies that come with it.

My depression came from place where I felt like I needed to protect myself. It is a defence mechanism. Asshole, as I like to call him, is Ed's defender.

Ed is an interesting fellow. Kind, warm, thoughtful, caring, empathetic. He's also incredibly sensitive. He's a great listener, he loves to help, he would give his last nickel to help a friend. He would jump in front of a bullet for a friend. He would walk over hot lava for a friend.

Asshole, on the other hand, is an interesting fellow, but in a different way. He's sarcastic, he's condescending, he can be downright mean. He's easily brought out when Ed feels attacked. When Ed is confused. When Ed is frustrated. When Ed is annoyed. It doesn't take much. Asshole is also a little bit paranoid. Asshole isn't all bad though. When Ed is being legitimately mistreated, Asshole has a role to play. Sometimes, nice doesn't get you where you need to go. Sometimes, one needs to be an Asshole. Those times are rare though, and for a long time, it was all Asshole all the time.

When I first arrived at therapy, one of the first questions was, how much of you is defined as Asshole vs Ed. The answer was 90% Asshole / 10% Ed. The depression was in total control. It was bad. 90% of what came out of me was the bad stuff. It wasn't where I wanted to be.

We've been working on that ever since. Not to eliminate Asshole. I can't and wouldn't want to. He's important. Sometimes, Ed needs the protection. Sometimes, Ed needs to fight back. But there needs to be balance. Ed really needs to be in charge the most. Asshole needs to follow orders.

So what's it like living with depression? It's a fight. It's like going round after round after round with Mike Tyson. It's constant. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. 365 days a year. It's exhausting. It's two parts of the same person constantly at war with each other for dominance. I guess it feels to me a little bit like having multiple personalities. Depression is a powerful thing, it almost has a mind of it's own and it's a constant battle to keep it at bay.

I described it to my therapist the other day as living your life like you are on an Oscar style tape delay. Ed is constantly trying keep to keep Asshole in check. Ed is often quiet at social events because he's 30 seconds behind everybody else. Ed is always sitting with his hand on the censor key should he be required to bleep out something that asshole has thought might be funny.  Occasionally, the odd bit slips by Ed and he is embarrassed and humiliated. Ed really doesn't like feeling like that.

There's plenty more that's wrong with me, but that's a quick and dirty look into what goes on in my head day-to-day.

One this is for sure though. No longer will my depression define who I am. I will find the strength, and I will fight until my dying breath. I won't ever win. It's a war that can't be won. But I will win more than I lose. I will be the person I want to be. 95% Ed. 5% Asshole (when service sucks at a restaurant, when someone tries to steal my parking space, and sometimes... when I'm just too tired to fight anymore).

F#$K DEPRESSION!

The Boys are Back in Town!

The Barrick Boys are all back together for the first time in over a month.

CWB came Sunday afternoon, CEB came Monday afternoon. First thing that happened not long after they'd arrived. Their iPads mysteriously disappeared into a locked cabinet and the key went missing.

There way much whining and crying, especially from a 13 year old. The "B" word (bored) was used a couple of times and chores were doled out. Man am I ever learning all kinds of neat stuff from blogs of friends. Mwahahaha.

It wasn't long, though, before they accepted the new rules regarding screen time and were off and playing. They've got some kind of imaginary game thing going today for the second time in a row. We were out to the park with the RC car again. Spent some time searching for ping pong balls that had been hidden by Porsche the Kitteh (they ended up being under the stove. Didn't even think a ping pong ball would fit under there). They appear to be having a fine time without electronics. Yay for them!

On a not so great note, my financial situation continues to deteriorate. For the second month in a row, it's gonna be about making a choice between eating or making my car payment. I don't really NEED my car aside from being able to make it out to the country to pick up the kids. I could take the bus and bike where I need to go in town. Not really sure what I'm gonna do. Ideally, I'd like to get rid of the car and pick up a cheap beater early in the new year once my situation, hopefully, improves. I'm really, really, really not interested in having the conversation with the Exes where I ask if they can bring the kids to me. I'm already doing little enough as it is.

I've cut expenses just about as much as I can. Aside from Hydro, Internet and Phone, I have no other regular bills. The car is, by far, the biggest expense I have. Between a car payment, insurance, fuel and repairs, I just can't justify it anymore I don't think. I think I'm gonna have to let it go, and save up for a $3000 or so beater in the winter maybe. I guess I'll have to call the bank and see what they say...

EDIT: I have decided that I cannot realistically, at this point, be without a car, so I will be searching for a solution which may include trading my newer car for an older car which is worth considerably less and would cost me significantly less on a monthly basis. 2005 Honda Civic maybe...

Let's finish up today on a fun/positive note. I caught CEB doing a rain dance earlier. One of the rules for Xbox and iPad is that it needs to be raining. No such luck for him yet. They did get to play a little bit this morning while I was kinda still sleeping. They are totally surviving.

Karaoke?!

That's right. Against every natural instinct within my body. I went out to Karaoke last night.

I really wasn't sure what to expect. I've never been to a karaoke night before, and my only real knowledge of it comes from what I've seen on TV and in Movies. It was fantastic.

Some of the people I've been getting to know from around town were going, so I kind of invited myself. It's kind of an open event like #thurspintsw which I've posted about before, but I'm still always nervous about just showing up places by myself.

As usual, met a few great new people along the way too.

The song book was passed around. I took a look, but wasn't really sure about singing. Added a little liquid courage, and after listening to some other folks sing, decided I should take the plunge. Being my first time out, I really should have picked some old standard type songs, but I didn't. I picked "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran, which is a fantastic song, and is easy to sing along to in the car, but not as easy at karaoke. Ouch... first thing I noticed, it's hard to hear yourself a little bit... kinda wish I'd had monitors... now I understand why artists use them. Second rotation came around and I decided I should do something a little more rockin'. So, "Round Here" by Florida Georgia Line was written on the little slip of paper. I had two slips with me. The other was "Leaving On A Jet Plane," the John Denver classic. Should have gone with that one. Realizing quickly that karaoke is really about songs everyone can kinda sing along with. I put in "Leaving On A Jet Plane" but the rotation didn't make it back around. :( Next time. Next time? Yep. Definitely!

The night finished with our whole gang up and dancing and singing to Madonna's "Ray of Light". It was noted later that the singer was surprised that I knew "every nanosecond" of the song. That was, by far, the highlight of the night. Everybody singing, everybody dancing, everybody laughing! Madonna rocks and that song is amongst her best, but not my favourite off that album. "Little Star" will continue to hold that honour for me.

I still didn't get up the guts to ask the girl who's number I'd really like for her number. Shy Zed strikes again. My self confidence is building, but I guess it's still not quite where I'd like it. That sweet spot between afraid to speak and obnoxiously arrogant. That's a really big space... I hope I'll soon get up the nerve to ask, so we could be in slightly more frequent communication.

So, once again, Zed has travelled miles and miles outside his comfort zone and survived. Who'd have thought?

Helping others!

I didn't get to write yesterday. I kinda wanted to, but time got away from me a bit. 

I've been a little torn about what to write about the last few days too. Few good things happened, nothing particularly bad. I don't know that I have any great stories to share.

I guess that is kind of what happens when you spend most of your time sitting home alone in your apartment. Not that I'm complaining really... well... I guess I kinda am...

The best news of the week is that I'm no longer alone in my apartment. I made the decision to adopt a kitten from the Ottawa Humane Society. She is a silver medium hair and I call her Porsche. She is super adorable, super snuggly, and a little mouthy.

Went out last night for #thurspintsw. It was a good night. A little quieter than some weeks. Faced some hard questions too. It was uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as it could have been. I was asked what I do, and I was honest. I don't do anything. Except working on getting better mentally. There was talk of what I used to do. Wasn't totally sure how to answer. Truck driver doesn't totally fit in the with people at #thurspints. I feel pretty good about who I am and where I'm going.

The next hard question was, and this was probably the hardest one, what am I looking for? It donned on me in that moment. I haven't a clue. I wanted to get back to selling. I tried hard to get into the Apple Store. It may not seem like much, but the best job I ever had was working at Compucentre back in the day. It was a pleasure getting up to go to work in that place every day. The people, the atmosphere, the constantly changing environment. It kept me challenged me in a way that I haven't felt challenged since. I liked helping people pick out the right computer for them. I liked helping people when things went wrong.

Through the last couple of years, the real lesson I've learned as that I like helping people.

The question now is... how do I transfer that self realization that I want to help people into a rewarding career... 

There was talk of going back to school to do the computer thing and then trying to get back into the government... that's not a bad option...

But are there other options? I'm not sure, but I'm certainly starting to think about other options. I'm not really ready to talk about any options, because I'm not sure I'm really well suited for them, but I suppose it's good to dream a little. I think with a little work I could be great at many many things. I could be great at anything I put my mind to.

The other question that came that really took me by surprise... Am I looking at dating? The first answer that came out of my mouth was 'No'.  I was a little surprised by the honest answer. Honestly, there are women that I've met, that I enjoy spending time with. They are great people. Could something come from it in the future? I have no idea. Am I looking to 'date'? No. I'm looking to hang out with interesting people who I can just be myself with without any pressure. I've always gotten along better with women than men. I'm not totally a man's man. Not crazy about beer and football, not into hunting and guns. I don't know what to talk to men about. I can talk a little bit hockey. Fine, so I can get along with all women either. Lots of women who love sports and guns and hunting too.

I've been writing this post for like 3 hours, and am not really sure where I've gotten. I think I'll call it here for today. I've got more to say, but I guess I'll save some for tomorrow.

Pity party?

It has been brought to my attention that my writing for the last few days has appeared, perhaps, to be a bit of a self pity party.

Let me state in no uncertain terms: THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE

Where I am in life, financially, personally, professionally. It as all by choices that I have made. Nobody else did this to me. I did it to myself.

The people I care most about are having problems trusting me. That is no fault of them. I have given those close to me plenty of reasons not to trust me. I have not always been a great boyfriend, I have not always been a great husband, and I have certainly not always been the perfect dad.

I like to think that I do my best every day. I certainly try to do my best every day. Sometimes with varying results I guess.

All of this, however, is not to say that I take full blame for the failures of my relationships. It takes two to tango and while I may not always have been the perfect partner, I also wasn't always the villain either.

I haven't always made the best decisions, but I'm not a bad person. I actually think I'm a pretty good person.

Someone asked me today if I deserve a second chance. I think I do.

Even the bad decisions that I've made, haven't been out of malice, but out of a search for happiness. I always thought I knew what would make me happy, but I was wrong. Decisions I made in search of happiness ended in feelings of pain and heartache for others. I can't take back all of the things I've said and done. All I can do is say I'm sorry and strive to be a better person in the future. That is all about me. It isn't anyone can give me. No one can give me the answers. I have to find them for myself, and I will.

My point, in all of this, if there is one, is that you shouldn't feel bad for me. Don't pity me. I don't. I am where I am because of decisions I've made. Things I've done. Certainly while I would prefer to not have caused others pain and heartache, I can't change the past, and won't try. I will move forward from here a stronger and better person. Maybe even a person that people can learn to trust again.

Trust is a funny thing. It's incredibly difficult to earn, and incredibly easy to lose.

Monday... yep. Monday alright.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna write today or not.

I'm feeling really negatively right now, and am not really sure I'm in the right frame of mind to write without saying something I'll regret later. You know what though? I'm gonna write anyway. I'm gonna be as positive as I can about my situation and see where it goes.

I'm not good with money. Never have been. Trying hard to be better though. Tried hard to 'live the life' that you'd always dream of. House, picket fence, two cars in the driveway, great family, cottage, boat, etc........ It's what everybody wants growing up, right? I had it all! I had a good government job. I had a house. I had a cottage. Two boats. What's to be upset about?

Well, all of that stuff costs money. Lots and lots of money. You know what else costs money? Even more than all the rest of that stuff? Kids!

Yep. Kids! I love my kids. Absolutely and completely. Like I've said before, I never knew I could love anything so much as I love my kids.

Although I've had failed relationships with separate women. I don't regret a minute with either one, because each of these women gave me the greatest gift a man can get. An absolutely wonderful child.

I'm incredibly lucky because despite my many shortcomings in these relationships, I continue to be on good terms with both of my sons' Moms. A friend posted not too long ago about conscious uncoupling after Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin uncoupled and I thought to myself, "We've been doing that for years. There isn't anything new about this." Despite differences, we've put all of that mostly aside for the good of the children. Drs, Teachers, Principals, Social Workers all seem in awe when parents who are separated show up together to discuss a child. I guess we are supposed to hate each other, but what good is that really? I have always, and will always, put the best interests of my child ahead of my own. I've always felt an unending need to support my children to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I will do things beyond my ability out of a feeling of guilt for not being a better partner or a better dad.

I was working in the government and making pretty good money. I was living paycheque to paycheque. Why? I don't know. We should have been rich, but we weren't. Always living beyond my means because isn't that what we do? Always trying to keep up with the Jones'. Car payments, cottage payments, mortgage payments, boat payments, cable, cell phones, etc. etc. etc...

But wait, what about the kids? Oh yeah. When Ex1 came looking for more money, because it appeared I was doing very well for myself, I was, to say the least, hesitant. I couldn't really afford what I was paying, but I certainly wanted to do right by my child. I, like with most other scary things in my life, avoided the situation as long as I could. I knew I couldn't really afford more. I wasn't really in a position where I could easily cut back on expenses. It wasn't my decision alone and I couldn't expect my new family to sacrifice because of my shortcomings. When the day finally came, I agreed to a new amount that was realistically way beyond what I could actually afford to pay, but that's what the child support guidelines said I should be able to afford, so who was I to argue?

That day, was arguably, the beginning of the end for me financially. So many payments are just automatically withdrawn from the bank account in this day and age, that you can't really avoid paying them. Not that you should. I made commitments and I intended to pay them all. Here's the thing though, when the total of the commitments you've made exceeds your income, you have a problem. I really have no one else to blame for any of this mess than me. I was trying so hard to please everyone, to be the man I was expected to be, that I didn't really stop to think. I didn't think about tomorrow. Only that moment, that day.

I made my payments. Every month, for as long as I could, and sometimes beyond when I could. Mortgage, car payments, child care, child support, cottage, boat, etc etc etc... You get the idea. And when the cash money runs out, what do you do? Well, I still need to get to work, so I'll just put all the gas on a credit card. Then I can pay all my bills, get to work, keep making money, then I'll pay off the credit card. Hold on dummy. Last month you didn't have enough money to pay all the bills and still get to work, why is next month gonna be any different? I don't know. I'll worry about that next month, and the next month, and the next month. You see where this is going, right?

Oh crap, now the credit card is past it's limit and I still don't have enough money. I didn't get that new job I wanted and the pay raise that goes with it? I still have all these commitments? What do I do? Well, most of the payments come out automatically. I guess the ones that don't won't get paid, but I'll catch up when I do my taxes. Right........... child support falls behind, credit cards don't get paid, etc.

Aha. A plan. I totally hate my job. I'm completely miserable. I can barely get out of bed most days to go to work. I already have attendance issues. I've used up all of my sick leave when I was stuck in bed for a month. I've always wanted to be a truck driver. Problems solved. My pension has been vested, so if I take a cash transfer of my pension, I can catch up on all my bills, pay for truck driving school, get a job making similar money driving a truck and everything will be hunky dory. Right?

Sure. Quick fix. That money sure went quick. Did manage to get caught up on all the bills. Managed to pay the day to day expenses for quite a while. Went off to truck driving school. They money started to dry up pretty quick and the commitments became more than the bank balance in a hurry. Totally my own fault again. All of it. Start falling behind on child support and credit cards again...

Got a job (delayed three months due to sleep apnea). Went to work. Made pretty good money. Was almost managing to keep up. Then, out of nowhere, and without warning, crashed my truck, lost my job. Devastated. Utterly destroyed. This job was the best job I'd had since selling computers in my early twenties. I was travelling around, driving here to there, listening to podcasts and music all day, and getting paid. I was supporting my kids and my family, and I was still home every second weekend to see them, and we had FaceTime to talk on a regular basis.

When I lost that job, things went bad in a hurry. I was so depressed I could barely move. I applied for every job I could think of but wasn't getting any calls. The big companies that I wanted to go work for wouldn't touch me once they heard about my crash. Downward spiral in a hurry.

Marriage was already in trouble before I went trucking. I was hoping that trucking would help. It didn't really. And being home and depressed was worse. About a month after losing my job, my marriage exploded in spectacular fashion.

That's when things got really bad. I really thought I was fine. Didn't think I had any lingering effects from the accident. Went for a few interviews in Toronto, got a couple of offers, took one. First night in the truck, out of nowhere, total breakdown. Went back the next morning and told them I couldn't do it. Best decision I ever made. No way I should have been operating a tractor trailer weighing 80,000 lbs in the state of mind I was in.

Now I'm in a real pickle. I'm basically homeless. I have no job. No prospects. Mentally destroyed, and still have all these financial commitments.

I apply for and get my EI. Start paying my commitments. At least when you're homeless, your housing costs are low. Family totally saved me. Aunt and Uncle let me stay at their house while they went to Florida for the winter. Housing covered for the moment. EI keeping me afloat, partially.

I feel like a total failure as a man. I feel like a total failure as a human being. I am absolutely and completely destroyed. If it wasn't for my love for my children and the support of the people around me, I might not have made it through those days.

EI ran out. Let's take another crack at this trucking thing. I'm really feeling okay, right? ... Sure ...

Take a job with the company where I had the breakdown in September. It's now early February. Start driving for them on the WORST snow day of the year in Toronto. Drive slow, no problem. Get to customer. Stuck in a snow bank. Manage to muscle myself out. Get loaded. Into the ditch coming out. Losing my cool. Manage to back it out of the ditch and off I go. Days go on like this for a while. Stuck, loose. Lose my cool. Every minute of every day, all I want is out of this truck. Every time I turn the wheel, is it gonna jackknife? Am I gonna kill someone this time. Stuck, loose. Lose my cool. Totally expecting to get fired. Nope. Please let me out of this truck!!! Wash, rinse, repeat.

I've known for a while that I have a problem with depression. I wanna get help. I need to get help. How can I get real and serious help from this truck? Finally, I just can't take the stress anymore. Hand in the keys.

At the same time, I need money. I need to support myself and my kids. Into the RSPs. Need to start a new life. Get an apartment, keep up paying child support (now for 2 kids). You can guess that money didn't last long.

I've been in to see the Dr. repeatedly. Tried new medications, tried to get a psychiatry consult. I have no money, so psychology is basically out of the question. Try this, try that. Finally... Mom is here helping me get moved into my apartment. Money is running out fast, but I'm going for it anyway. I need my own space to have motivation to start a new life. End up in a total meltdown again. My mom isn't having any more of this. We're going to the hospital. I don't want any part of this. They are gonna lock me up. Plus I have my boys this weekend. Can't miss that. Doesn't matter she tells me. You are going to the hospital. Begrudgingly, off I go. Thank goodness for friends who work in hospitals and can make some calls to let people know you're coming. Didn't wait long in the ER. Got some referrals. Dr. won't keep me. Go home. I'm despondent. I need help. Despite my earlier wishes. I don't want to go home now. Please don't send me home. Gives me a list of numbers with drop in counselling and pay what you can afford psychology and counselling etc. Totally hopeless.

Spend the weekend with my boys. Feeling awful. I don't know if that was the weekend, but one weekend they were over, I spent most of the weekend crying. Hopeless. Failure. That's all I could think.

Started making calls on Monday morning. Called here, called there... Waiting list... Long waiting list... ahh... Mental Health Care in Ontario. There are a couple of extra ones that he has handwritten onto the standard list that the hospital hands out. One of them is St. Paul University. They call me back, and tell me that they can take me in a couple of weeks. The first few weeks are hard. I've not had much success with psychology or psychiatry or counselling in the past, but I'm in a different mindset now. I actually look forward to going most weeks now. I'm really looking forward to going this week.

Anyways, back to money. Not long after I have moved into my apartment, money runs very short. I'm not gonna make next months rent. Off to welfare I go. Crying all the way. I've never been comfortable taking money from the tax payer. I'd never used EI until I lost my trucking job, and I would never have thought I would take welfare. Every time you think you've hit rock bottom, something comes along and drives you further down. I think applying for welfare was rock bottom for me. I've never been so ashamed in my life.

Get approved for welfare, pay another months rent. But welfare isn't going to cover it for long.

I tried and tried for a long time to get a job back doing what I love. Selling computers. Tried and tried and tried to get into the Apple Store. People who know me know I'm totally in love with my iPhone, iPad, AppleTV, MacBook and Mac Mini. All of which I shouldn't have bought because I couldn't afford them at the times that I bought them (although some of them were gifts). Got an interview at Best Buy. Redid my resume at Northern Lights. Nothing.

Going to the hospital was probably the best thing I ever did. The referrals I got from the ER are totally helping me turn my life around. Got follow up care from the general, including new meds, which may or may not be helping. Got the hookup for St. Paul University (BEST THING EVER). Got a referral for the day hospital program that is run out of the Civic that I should be starting towards the end of August. Hopefully these things will give me the tools to move forward productively.

Anyways, back to money.... managed to get enough money to pay rent through the end of the year... welfare is keeping me in the rest of the essentials of life... but what of all those old commitments? Well, I'm basically bankrupt, except I can't actually afford to declare bankruptcy, because declaring bankruptcy costs money. Bill collectors can keep calling for a while. I will deal with them in time.

I've lost most everything, and I've taken many others down with me along the way. Gone is the house, and the boat, and the cottage...

I live in a pretty nice two bedroom apartment so that the kids have a place to sleep when they come to visit (though they may have to soon share a room with me so I can get a roommate). I've totally gone lean on belongings. Gone are most of the knick knacks that for so many years adorned bookcases around my house. Gone are all forms of physical media. Gone are all the bookcases full of useless material possessions. All that's left are items of great sentimental value. You could almost shoot a cannon through my apartment without hitting anything. I could still use to get rid of more stuff even.

Now, the reason for this post in the first place. Child Support. I've worked a total of about 7 months since September 2012 when I left my cushy government job. The months that I worked, I probably just about broke even. The rest of those months... savings... my retirement savings are mostly gone... I've paid child support I couldn't afford to pay, I've paid bills I couldn't afford to pay, I've paid for dinners I couldn't afford to pay for... and now I'm BROKE. I've done all I can.

I had what was probably the hardest conversation I've ever had. The most humbling conversation I've ever had. The day I had to sit down with Kid1's Mom to tell her I wouldn't be able to keep paying my child support anymore. I have NEVER in MY LIFE felt like more of a scumbag than I did that day. There are dead beat dads out there, but I never thought I'd be one.

Sadly, the time finally came when I had to decide whether to keep paying what I couldn't afford, or commit to getting the help I needed to become the man I need to be and the father I need to be to my children. I made the choice, and I would make it again, but it doesn't make me feel any better about not supporting my child.

The feeling of not being able to support you child is worse than losing your job, it's worse than you marriage ending, I would guess that it is probably worse than getting shot in the face. I've never been more heartbroken than when I finally had to have that conversation. Kid1's Mom has been incredibly understanding through the last year. I couldn't thank her enough for her kindness and support. But when it came time to agree to terminating support for the time being, she balked. I totally don't blame her. If you've learned anything about me in this post, it's that I have a tendency to live beyond my means. I wasn't entirely cooperative when she approached me about increasing support the first time, so why should she take me at my word this time. I totally understand, and it's totally heartbreaking at the same time.

So... here I am... stuck between a rock and a hard place... I can't afford to keep paying... and I really don't want to go to court and force it... I feel bad enough already... and I've given her plenty of reason not to trust me... so what do I do?

If I've been feeling better the last few weeks, it went quickly up in smoke today, and it's nobody's fault but mine.

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Sorry, no monster truck event here.

Okay day today.

Don't know what to do about sleep. I felt like I got a pretty good night sleep. I was up for a bit around 0130, then slept until about 0630. That seems pretty good after going to bed around 2300 last night. I was nodding off again by 0800 this morning. Went for a quick swim to wake up, still felt sleepy. Went to Agriculture Museum. Still felt sleepy. Got home, started nodding off again. And now again at 2200, starting to nod off again a little bit. Really need to figure out how to fix this sleeping thing.

So, went to the agriculture museum with Kid1 and his Mom and little brother. It's so nice being able to get along with an ex. Makes life so much easier most of the time. Stumbled across the worm demonstration. It was pretty fascinating. Lots to know about a lowly earthworm. Did you know a worm has 5 hearts?!?! Neat. And do you think 13 year old Kid1 would even consider touching a worm? NO WAY! I would swear sometimes that this kid thinks he's allergic to fun or something. Went in the exhibit barn to see the tractors and ended up being there at just the right time for the butter making demonstration. It was pretty cool! I haven't even done it the way they had us do it. Kids and neighbours in the demo succeeded in being the first to have their cream turn to butter. Wandered the animal barns a little bit. No baby calfs this time of year I guess. Next one isn't due until mid August. Still a few smallish ones to pet and scratch. Max the young bull kept trying to eat my shirt. I didn't mind. He was a very nice and friendly.

Got home from that and got to relax for about an hour before Kid2 returned from vacation. Pretty happy to see me, and I'm just ecstatic to see him. We just relaxed around for the afternoon. It was nice. Had some pizza for supper. Watched a little YouTube. Then sent him off to bed around 2100. Wasn't long before he was back in the living room complaining about nightmares. He's now in my bed. Which I totally can't stand. I don't sleep at all when he's in my bed generally. I think I need a cat or something to keep him company in his room at bedtime, so he won't be scared.

This week should be pretty busy. Some errands to take care of on Monday. More on Tuesday. Wednesday is booked up. Then, Thursday afternoon, Kid2 will go off to the cottage for the weekend again and I will be kid free for almost 3 or 4 days. I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

I'm really feeling compelled to write something every day. I know that most days it's going to be incredibly boring. Not every post will be filled with emotional epiphanies. But I think it will be helpful to put some words down.

Here's hoping everyone has a great week. I'm really not convinced about mine at all. Stuff I've been dreading for many many months. Stuff I'm really not comfortable doing at all. I guess we'll see how it goes... Wish me luck!

Tough Day...

<sigh>

Despite talking to Kid1 about his lack of motivation to do anything, he's no more motivated to do anything today than any other day.

Anything we've done has been purely at my suggestion.

Last night we went out to Fortissimo on Parliament Hill. Tonight is the last night, and if you're not already there, I'm afraid you will have missed it. Fantastic show. Variety of bands, Peace Tower bells, Artillery, Ceremonial Guard. Great fun! At least on par with the Musical Ride as local free entertainment goes.

Today, we went to the park for an hour. I was overly annoyed by the neighbourhood child who insisted that he be allowed to play with Kid1's remote control car more than Kid1 himself. Patience, Zed... Patience... We baked a cake! It is delicious. Lemon cake with chocolate frosting. Yum.

I've been trying hard to limit screen time, with limited success. I'm sure there is tonnes of stuff going on around town, but it's hard to do that stuff with such a limited budget. Really working hard to manage the little bit of money I have. It's hard though.

It's as much, or more, my fault as it is his. I'm still not really sleeping well, which means I don't have a lot of energy on the best of days, but I really need to find a way to get my kids to want to go play at the park. Throw the frisbee for more than 10 minutes. Do something for more than 10 minutes.

The day wasn't a total loss I guess, but it could have been much better. Here's hoping for energy and excitement for tomorrow.

Summer in the City

So, here's the thing.

I'm not working right now. I'd love to be working, but I want to take my time to get a bit better first. I've got a hospital day program coming up at the end of the summer, and after that, WORK.

Anyway, the fact that I'm not working gives me the opportunity to spend lots of time with my kids. This is great, right? Of course it is. I love my kids. We enjoy our time together. It's nice having them around. But (you knew that was coming, didn't you?) ... they ... don't seem to be much more motivated to get out and do things than I am. I was really, really, really!!! hoping that having the kids around for the summer would force me to get out of the house more. I really thought that they'd be bugging me like crazy to go and do stuff. "Daddy, let's go to the park!" "Daddy, let's go to the pool!" "Daddy, let's go for a walk!" "Daddy, let's go throw the frisbee around!" I could go on all day, but I won't. They don't bug me for any of that. Nothing!

Kid1 is a great kid, he likes to swim, he likes the outdoors like I do, but he's not at all motivated to go anywhere or do anything. <sigh> He came over this week on Wednesday. I was crazy excited to see him. He'd been away at Cadet camp in Bagotville for two weeks. He's home, and he seems exhausted.

So, as I'm prone to do. As seems kinda natural for me, we've spent a day or so chillin' around the house.

Funny thing, I went out last night when he was nearly ready for bed. I'm so enjoying getting out with some Twitter folks I've followed for a long time. #thurspintsw is always a good time with likeminded people and the conversation is always great.

Today, again, and again. "Do you wanna do something?" ---- "Nah."... <sigh> "Wanna go play frisbee?" --- "Meh!"... argh.

The updates I've received regarding Kid2's camping trip in Bon Echo have been same kind of thing. Pictures of him in the woods, sitting down reading a book. Now, don't get me wrong here, I absolutely LOVE that he's a little bookworm. Nothing bad has ever come from someone reading a book (well, who knows really, but I would think many more good things have come from reading books). They have to take his book away and hide it to get him to play.

It's hard for me sometimes. I see so much of myself in my kids. The good and the bad. They are incredibly kind. They have true feelings for others. I think either one of them would jump in front of a bullet for someone they cared about, or give the shirt off their back to a complete stranger. That's just who they are.

But (oh crap, there's another one) I also sometimes see that lack of motivation in them. Given my problems with motivation, it's a bad mix. As kind and gentle as they are, they also seem to have unreasonable expectations of others. This often manifests itself as apparent meanness. Like myself, I don't think it's meant in a malicious way, but purely out of frustration from within.

So. Having my kids for the summer? Blessing or Curse? BOTH! They are both of the age now, 13 and 8, where I feel like I can sit down and talk to them like rational human beings. I had a really good talk with Kid2 a few weeks ago, and it really felt like he heard my words. This is a totally new experience for me. I've always felt like people don't really hear me when I speak.

Blessing. Yes. Seeing myself so clearly in them makes me realize that I need to make changes, and I can't wait any longer to make them. I need to lead by example. I need to be motivated, I need to want to do things. I need to show them how great life can be when you're up and about and doing things. I don't want them to end up 41 years old like I am and starting from scratch in life because they didn't realize in time that things weren't going right. I want them to know the value of being social and the blessings that come from others.

Curse. Absolutely. My lack of motivation, still often overpowering, is still a massive problem for me, and having kids that don't seem to want to do much aside from watching YouTube videos and reading books doesn't help. I am doing better every week though. I have definitely spent more time at home with the kids than I thought I would have when the summer started. I don't like to think of myself as a lazy dad, but maybe I am. Instead of forcing them outside of their comfort zone, because of my own problems, I too often let them engage in their interests to excess (which makes it hard for my co-parenting partners when they go back home).

So, what was the point of this whole thing? I've been doing so much better at getting out of my comfort zone. I volunteered to be in a movie with people I'd never met. I went out to a social gathering to see people I'd never met aside from online. I've made real connections with real people and it feels GREAT! I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time. I feel incredibly lonely when I come home to my empty apartment and that feels GREAT! Wait, what? Lonely feels great? Yeah, it does, and here's why. It's finally donning on me, for the first time in a long time, that life is better with people in it! I'm so enjoying being around people, which is an experience I haven't felt in a while.

Alright Zed, tie it all together now.

Okay. So. Now that I'm reconnecting with the world, I feel like the next month is gonna be super important. I'm now in a place where I'm starting to understand myself, I'm starting to learn to be happy again. It's a slow process, but I'm definitely on the right road. Now I need to share what I'm learning with my kids. I always thought I was a pretty good dad. I love my kids in a way I never knew I could love anything. But now, it's different. I love my kids so much, that I feel this never ending need to tell them all the things I'm learning about myself, and share with them how important it is to get out of your comfort zone. Go new places. Try new things. Crazy? Who cares. Go. Maybe you'll make an ass of yourself, maybe you won't, but either way, you'll have an experience that you won't have sitting home alone staring at a computer or a TV, or with your nose in a book. There are times for those things, but make time for the rest of the world, there is some incredible stuff and some really incredible people out there if you give them the chance!

F#$K DEPRESSION!